It's 4:45 p.m. right now, and I'm starving. I don't like to use the term "starving" in general because I feel like it demeans Angelina Jolie's work. Here I use it not only for literary emphasis but because I must remember hunger is a sliding scale.
I just had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich not two whole hours ago. Why does my stomach insist on a continual caloric intake? Without the use of any sort of not-so-clever stomach personification techniques, I will never know.
And so we face another of college's challenges -- how to eat. I know last week Life ran a story about nutritional choices on and off Grounds ("Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood," Sept. 28), but here I present more of a personal perspective.
Rule Number 1: Never shop at Kroger. It is gross and it makes me think of purgatory, especially with the added construction. I will coupon clip for you.
Rule Number 2: I appreciate the need to save money. This isn't a rule per se, but I can provide some words of wisdom from a star ex-grocery store cashier. That would be me, by the way.
There is no shame in buying Teeter brands. In fact, think of it this way -- they're a grocery store; they know food. I do not encourage splurging on "CoCo Puffs" if there is "Fun Chocolate Enlarged by Air Rice" underneath it for two dollars less. Also, your butt does not need aloe on it. I appreciate buying one scale up from what they have in Clemons, but four dollars more for toilet paper better mean it also cleans the bathroom by itself. Okay, so toilet paper is not a food, I digress.
Also, a little tip the store doesn't want you to know: when something is "two-for-one," that really means, "one is half off." Seriously. Something to keep in mind next time you buy four bags of frozen chicken breasts and then can't fit vodka in your freezer.
Rule Number 3: Don't waste money or calories on check-out food. What is check-out food you ask? Check-out food refers to all of the tempting little treats surrounding any sort of cash register. Ever since the 1950s, cash registers have come equipped with their own little displays of worthless items. "But Clare!" you alert readers proclaim, "Those items cost so little; surely they pose no real harm!" Ha, you ignoramus, the Man has suckered you too.
Those "mookies" at West Range Café, the mints at Greenberry's, the CDs at Starbucks! Even the store-formerly-known-as-Lucky 7 displays small flavorful thingies that you pour into your beer. (Although, one of the wonderful employees told me they make your beer taste like a Sparks, and I do have to admit a certain affinity for Sparks.) No rational human being would ever set out just to purchase one of these. Honestly, I have never seen a grocery list containing "single pack of Chicklets."
Rule Number 4: Microwavable meals do not count as health food. One of my good friends claims she lost weight by eating nothing but "Lean Pockets" all summer. I am not a certified nutritionist, but I could guess what one would say about this. Unless she becomes the next Jared, and that actually could be quite embarrassing, I would not recommend her plan to anyone else. Jared is not someone we should aspire to emulate.
I'll even go so far as to question microwavable finger food. Lately I've been ingesting a large amount of a delicacy called "Poppers." These cheese-and-mild-jalapeño-filled-fried nuggets of love unfortunately do not fulfill any sort of dietary needs. They probably should come with a warning similar to cigarette packages in Mexico -- pictures of dead babies, limp genital appendages, etc., etc. I would not recommend these to anyone either. Although if I can't persuade you, they taste best when dipped in the ranch you find on the far left corner after you've past all the produce in Teeter.
Although I have not made any sort of food pyramid for you here, I hope you take with you that a diet of Take-it-Away does not a happy stomach make. However, you must take what you can get, as I too may soon be forced to head to the Corner and pick up a bag of Utz party mix to appease my appetite.
After all, nothing makes you want fake Cheetos, Doritos and Fritos like column writing.
Clare's column runs biweekly on Mondays. She can be reached at ondrey@cavalierdaily.com.
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