Although it is something I'm not proud of I am just going to come out and say it: I love infomercials. I'm not really a big fan of information, but throw an infomercial onto my television set and oh boy. I don't know if it's the bad acting or the worse British accents, but when I come across a program where somebody is touting the use of a blender that rests comfortably on the dashboard of my car so I can have a "rush hour piña colada," a nice, warm feeling comes over my body and I can't change the channel. The concept of sitting in my living room while an electric girdle shocks my stomach into well-toned, six-pack abs while I use my handy industrial vacuum sealer to keep the bag of chips I just ate fresher, longer, brings a smile to my face.
My infatuation might have something to do with the fact that all of these programs are on when it's about four in the morning. Chances are if I'm up watching television at this hour, I'm delusional, and would enjoy one of those emergency warning system broadcasts, but that can't be the whole reason for my love. Well, it can, but for the sake of my rant, it is most certainly not.
There are a few things aspiring infomercial connoisseurs like yourselves have to know about the fine art. First of all, a person with a British accent is mandatory. No matter what you are selling, an accent gives you instant credibility, and frankly, is quite easy on the ears. The unquestioned sophistication of a British accent leads us to the second rule: The person with the accent must be explaining the product to one of the two or three dumbest human beings on the planet. This person does not really have to be stupid, just like the person with the accent probably isn't from England, but they must sell it well. When they are told that a knife will slice through a can, then right through a tomato, the person should have a look on their face reminiscent of a normal person being explained quantum theory.
"Through a can, then a tomato? You are crazy -- that knife will be as dull as a stone! Now I am going to have to see this to believe it [place hands on hips here]!"
The final rule is that your product cannot, under any circumstances, be practical. For every infomercial I have ever seen I have had a brief "Hm...that could be cool" reaction. That feeling lasts for about six seconds until my sense of "Wow, that is as dumb as humanly possible" takes over. I don't think anybody has ever bought something from an infomercial and thought it was a good idea two weeks later. Two days later and you're still excited that you can julienne peppers and onions for your omelet in the blink of an eye. Two weeks later and you're questioning your value as a human being. Now that you have got a good background on the subject, I'm going to discuss my favorite infomercial of all time.
Food Saver Plus
I don't know if you are aware of this, but apparently people are buying hundreds of pounds of food and simply letting it rot around them. I'm talking giant blocks of cheese, 20-pound salmon filets, you name it. We're buying it, and just sitting around as it goes to waste. But not anymore my friend, you can now have the power of a vacuum sealer in your kitchen. Now you can seal everything and not waste any of it! It's not like you can but things in reasonable quantities anywhere; we clearly live in a nation where the smallest amount of any food product you can purchase is 12 pounds. Think of all the money you'll save when you can buy in bulk, then think about how you'll have to move into a bigger house when you run out of room to sleep with vacuum bags filled of perishables everywhere. That might cut into those savings a bit.
In addition to that all-time favorite, I have a special place in my heart for the classic car mop, the Shiwala. First of all, it sounds funny, but I love it because it was part of one of those classic right-time, right-place funny comments. I must have been about 10 years old and my siblings were sitting in the living room making fun of how I was an infomercial fiend. (Some things don't change, I guess.) In the midst of this conversation, I wander out of the kitchen right when a Shiwala commercial comes on, I yell "The Shiwala!" in a fit of glee, and they proceeded to laugh at me, and I was sad. Ten years later, and the wound is still fresh. Thanks for sharing my infomercial fanaticism with me and taking a nice stroll down memory lane ... it was great.
Eric's column runs biweekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at ast@cavalierdaily.com.
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