I've been getting the same old question a lot lately: "Where are you living next year?" My response is invariably, "Quit being so nosy. Look, Mom and Dad, just keep sending checks, and I'll let you know when my address changes."
It's not that I'm a bad son -- it's just that the housing-hunt frustration is starting to get to me. I suppose the whole process would be easier if I had a fraternity house to fall back on or if I had "friends" to live with.
But really, what is a "friend"? Isn't it just somebody you've known for a while and with whom you share common interests and a mutual sense of respect? Is that really the type of person you want to share a bathroom with? I think not.
Let's look at some of the many housing options available to students. One popular third choice for on-Grounds residents is Hereford, or as those of us who haven't visited that area since summer orientation prefer to call it, "Thereford." This is a solid place to live, as it is built primarily of brick and cinderblock. Beyond that, I have nothing else to say.
If you're thinking about saving some cash by setting up camp in Clemons Library -- it's been tried. One guy even made it past the three-month mark. But listen to ME, Smalls: You'll never get away with it. Consider all the things that could go wrong if you decide to dwell among the stacks:
1) Whilst you are away journeying to the AFC to shower, a group of Commerce students overruns your tent via a hostile takeover. They auction off all your worldly possessions on eBay. They also burn all of your non-worldly possessions, wondering how you got a hold of those in the first place.
2) Overexposure to weird '70s fluorescent lighting causes your lymph nodes to swell outrageously -- a little-known side effect of overexposure to weird '70s fluorescent lighting -- but your condition will be misdiagnosed as the mumps. Your home will be relegated to a place where no man dares tread: the Special Collections Library. Alternatively, you will be banished altogether from the University as part of the mumps-cleansing program cleverly dubbed "Sequester at Sea."
3) Someone recognizes your "wolf howling at the moon" t-shirt hanging on a clothesline by the reserve shelf and reports you immediately -- not for being a squatter, but for owning a "wolf howling at the moon" t-shirt.
4) You could get kicked out of Clemons and have to move to Clark Library, where you will be forced to enlist with one of the warring tribal gangs of E-Schoolers who inhabit the ancient catacombs underground. Your gang will be routed and destroyed by a rival, but a child will have been born -- one who, after being reared to maturity by a rogue pack of disaffected members of the Z Society, will lead a revolution in the year 2025, only to find that the University has been completely abandoned due to the failure of the Capital Campaign 14 years earlier (they raised only $2.9 billion). It will be "counted down" on VH1 as the "least significant revolution of 2025," and your memory will thus be denigrated.
You could also live off-Grounds. My one major caution about signing a lease for an off-Grounds apartment is that graduate students live off-Grounds, and you would be running a slight risk of becoming roommates with your TA. In such a scenario, your e-mail excuses for missing discussion would probably shift noticeably in tone:
Dear Mr. ... Jim (I'm sorry, I still don't know your last name),
I apologize for missing discussion this morning. I have been really sick and I think it started a few nights ago when I stayed up late doing the dishes WHICH YOU NEVER EVER DO. Anyway, I put my paper on your pillow. I wouldn't count it as late, unless you want me to tell the professor why you happened to miss last Sunday's grading session. Later, roomie!
If things got really bad between you, you could always "accidentally" drop his dissertation rough draft in the washing machine. And just so we're all clear, grad students use old-school typewriters instead of computers, so yes, that would be a big deal.
Last item: Just remember, if you get stuck living somewhere less than ideal, think, "I could be living in Gooch."
Dan's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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