Hygiene is annoying. Don't misunder- stand me; it's a vital part of what makesus human and frankly, when it doesn't happen, the results are unpleasant. The human body, however, requires a staggering amount of maintenance -- so much that I've been tempted to call in the warranty on mine on more than one occasion.
Most acts of hygiene can at least be performed in the comfort of your own home. But one of the most vital links in the chain of hygiene is one that usually takes place elsewhere. I speak, of course, of the haircut. Having gotten one recently, I just can't get haircuts out of my head (hee hee).
We can't overstate the importance of a good haircut. A good one elicits admiration, and a bad one the sort of snickering usually reserved for middle school. Heck, even a bad tattoo job can usually be covered up; a bad haircut is harder, unless you want to start wearing a Stetson and being called "Quickdraw McGraw." (It was a good cartoon, but the name sounds a little silly in 2006.)
This is probably why most people choose not to take matters into their own hands (literally) and instead get a professional to cut their hair. As it is, we often find ourselves dubious about the true value of a haircut: "Well, it looks okay ... Couldn't I have done this myself? It's kind of short ... is that hair GRAY? Oh no! This can't be happening! I'm only 20 years old! I listen to Christina Aguilera! OH, THE HUMANITY!"
Maybe not all of that, but those are some things that typically come to mind.
The actual process is fairly awkward -- when was the last time most of us sat in a chair for a solid 20 minutes, thinking about absolutely nothing? Probably the last time we watched a Fox reality show.
I myself let my mind wander. Last haircut, I came up with plots for 23 original Ben Stiller movies, Constitution party napkins that would help people learn the Bill of Rights, a rhyme for orange ("door hinge") and the concept for a new course: ENLT 993, "Secrets of the Dirty Limerick Masters." (Sadly, I fear it is not meant to be.)
For you gentlemen out there, how about those barbers who still shave you with a straight razor? Somehow "stark terror" just doesn't capture the feeling associated with this procedure. When this is being done to me, I try to stay more or less calm, but the fact that there's a blade right next to my jugular makes that difficult. I can't help thinking, "You know, if old Charlie happens to sneeze in the next few seconds, I am going to have one embarrassing obituary."
Every good haircut ends with the assessment phase where you look in the mirror and indicate approval of the job. The rest of humanity has a leg up on me in this regard: generally I'm not wearing my glasses at this point and can't see a blasted thing. I could have a Don King nightmare coif going on and I probably wouldn't know until I got home. I always wonder how the bad-haircut confrontation plays out, though. It doesn't seem like the barber could do a whole lot except say, "Here's some Miracle-Gro; I'm truly sorry," and exit stage right.
As college students, we're necessarily frugal, and this leads to what I've termed the "test of follicular endurance" or the TOFE for you acronym junkies. The premise of the TOFE is simple: You stretch out the time between haircuts as long as you possibly can, giving in only when, like a burrowing animal, you can't remember when you last saw the sun. This is really only meant to be tried by serious professionals and is not for the faint of heart. First years should be especially careful -- as unpleasant as the "freshman 15" is, it's even more unpleasant (not to mention tragically comical) when it's on top of your head.
In summary, the next time you go for a haircut, accept it as part of your hygienic responsibility to mankind, and be glad you have modern technology on your side. Our prehistoric forefathers had to use rocks -- they could probably do their taxes in the time one of their haircuts took. In comparison, the process we have now is a darned beautiful thing. Oh, and the waitlist opens soon for ENLT 993.
Matt's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at mwaring@cavalierdaily.com.
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