As a Tuesday columnist I have the unique opportunity to write about Halloween on the actual day on which the holiday occurs. While other columnists begin writing about it days, even weeks in advance, I view it as a sign of weakness to write about holidays that are temporally relevant. So I will wave at the opportunity to be both festive and relevant as it passes me by.
Instead, I feel that it's time that we, as a community committed to equality of treatment and the free exchange of ideas, give a little time to the bastard children of the calendar. That's right, the holidays that go under-celebrated or, in some unfortunate cases, completely uncelebrated.
Arbor Day (April 27): A day totally committed to planting trees. The idea is simple enough. When the day rolls around on the calendar, bury a pinecone. This is a much easier tradition than going out and buying people expensive presents that they probably don't deserve anyway or spending 28 hours making that awesome Transformers costume out of cardboard boxes only to have it ruined in the rain on the way to your drink-fest (damn you, weather! Optimus, you will be missed). Unfortunately, this day is really only given its due in its state of founding -- Nebraska -- where everyone gets the day off.
Guy Fawkes Day (Nov. 5): For those of you who aren't as steeped in the British history of political dissidents as I (or, alternatively, those who haven't seen "V for Vendetta"), Guy Fawkes was a guy who was pretty pissed that he didn't get a free sticker and cup of juice or something when he went to go vote so he tried to blow up Parliament. He wasn't successful, but in a long history of knighting and otherwise honoring losers (I'm looking at you, Bill Gates -- why is the Xbox 360 so expensive? you're already a billionaire, jerk) the British people repeat "Remember, remember the 5th of November" over and over on that day.
All Saints Day (Nov. 1): Why, why wasn't there a sequel to the "Boondock Saints"? It celebrated everything that being American is all about -- killing, being Irish and cauterizing our gun wounds with hot irons. This day is more of a protest movement to demand a sequel to "Boondock Saints" than it is a celebration of the original, but some of that gets done too. For some strange reason, people feel compelled to go to Church on this day ... I guess because they're petitioning for canonization of Connor and Murphy MacManus.
Penguin Awareness Day (Jan. 13): Do you have a friend who is not aware of the existence of penguins? If so, you should alert this person to their existence. They're delicious, after all. And, if this person is older than, say, four years of age, you should probably kill them because they're probably an idiot. So this is really Penguin Awareness Day/Population Control Day. Do your part.
Leonardo DiCaprio's Birthday (Nov. 11): Seriously, this should be a holiday. He gets a bad rap because he did that girly movie "Titanic" so long ago and it's just not right. He's a fantastic actor with incredible range, gorgeous hair and a killer smile. "Catch Me If You Can?" "The Man in the Iron Mask?" Oh my god, have you seen "The Departed?" Are you kidding me? It's, like, the perfect movie. The kid is golden. I don't know what you should do to celebrate, though. Hold a movie marathon of his catalogue and hang out with Tobey Maguire, I guess. Ah, and draw Kate Winslett naked.
The Anniversary of the Invention of the Thumbs-Up (Unknown): I don't know about you, but the thumbs-up is an oft-used maneuver in my metacarpal arsenal. Think about it -- what would Maverick have flashed to Goose before take-off without the thumbs-up? What would Caesar have shown to the gladiators when he wanted them to kill the loser without the thumbs-up? How would you have expressed your gratitude to your partner after you lost your virginity to him/her/some combination thereof without the thumbs-up? I mean, c'mon, you had enough trouble coming up with that.
So hopefully you've been made aware of some dates that need to be on your calendar. You might even consider not celebrating Halloween out of spite for these under-celebrated holidays. Just a suggestion.
Jim's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at russell@cavalierdaily.com.
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