As the holiday season quickly approaches, I know all of you have this pressing question on your mind: How can I be the biggest glutton possible on Thanksgiving? Well, you are in luck, because I am going to provide you with a fool-proof (although untested) strategy to maximize your food consumption.
Here is what you need to do: exercise your table muscle. That's right ... athletes can't perform their best, singers can't hit those high notes and Michael Jackson certainly could not do the moonwalk without training. The training program I am going to propose offers a way to expand your stomach in preparation for the big day in order to be able to consume the most you possibly can.
Ok, you can train your table muscle in one of two ways. The first is by overeating every day for a week before Thanksgiving. Thus your stomach will have grown and will be able to fit all of the extra food. Not only does this lead to weight gain, but you are already full by the time dinner is ready. You could also starve yourself, saving up for the big day; your stomach would shrink, however, and you wouldn't be able to eat as much ... so let's scratch that idea.
The second strategy is to train with water. This way your stomach will expand, but you will not be increasing your food intake. Now, this potentially could make you hungrier, but let's think of that as the sacrifice you have to make for ultimate satisfaction. What I propose you do is increase your consumption of water the few days before Thanksgiving. I am not talking about little sips here and there -- I am talking about half a gallon about three times a day. This will stretch your stomach, leaving a greater void to be filled. On the day of the feast, do the same thing. If you try to exercise using food, as I stated earlier, you will already be full at this point. So instead, do some cross training with water and pack your belly full.
In addressing what I deem the most important aspect of Thanksgiving, I forgot to also mention this is a wonderful times for families. Yeah, I know ... families pale by comparison, but they are fun. Last year we (and by "we" I mean over 20 crazy Joneses) spent about an hour discussing whether we have specific right and left socks. I don't do this, but according to my kin, it is important because the big toe makes a stretch mark and therefore they know which foot the sock goes on ... maybe my big toe is abnormally small ... but I digress! For those of you who don't get to see your families over Thanksgiving, I will be happy to discuss this right/left sock phenomenon with you whenever you are feeling the least bit homesick.
I would like to go back to the far more important aspect of Thanksgiving -- the food. I don't know about you, although it is often dryer and less tender than chicken, turkey is a far better poultry. It actually contains the amino acid, tryptophan, which makes you sleepy. The fat and carbs in the rest of the food probably do this too, but let's just stick to the turkey praise. I would like to mention I feel bad for the little guys.
They are probably one of the ugliest creatures to walk this earth, apart from maybe the warthog or Donald Trump. On top of the obvious self-esteem problem that arises from their appearance, their fate is worse than that of a chicken or a cow. They know the date of their slaughter. The chicken can peck around the field knowing someday he will die, but the turkey wakes every morning with a heavy heart knowing that Thanksgiving is one day closer. Well ... tough luck, ducky! If you can't handle eating a doomed bird, there is always the tofu turkey (which I have heard is delicious, although morally, I refuse to try it).
So, have a rockin' Thanksgiving and remember the three Ls of success: liquid training, loosen your belt and lounge with the fam watching football!
Maggie's column runs bi-weekly on Fridays. She can be reached at jones@cavalierdaily.com.
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