It's interesting that at the gym everybody is already in great shape. Who are these people? I bet these same folks go to Alcoholic Anonymous meetings just to say, "Hi. My name's Bob, and I'm not an alcoholic -- I just thought I'd show up and use you losers to boost my ego."
Just kidding. No one named Bob is not an alcoholic.
Speaking of working out, apparently they make people stretch before self-defense classes. That is totally counterproductive. If you think your real-life attacker is going to "hang on a minute" while you loosen up your hamstrings, you're fooling yourself.
Shouldn't every bassist in an acid rock band explode? I thought that's what happens when you mix acids with basses. Whatever.
During a recent drive from Charlottesville to Northern Virginia, I decided to stop at that mysterious "Nobil" gas station on Rte. 29. After purchasing a pack of peanut N&Ns and a Nountain Dew from the convenience nart, I went on my nerry way.
Arnold Schwarzenegger should return to movies ASAP. His current position as governor of California has certainly given him plenty of practice delivering speeches, and I think he's finally ready for his first speaking role. In fact, I heard a rumor that in his next action film he will have a final showdown with his greatest enemy of all, the English language.
If I worked as a clerk at the Statue of Liberty, I would respond to all the tourists' questions with, "I'm not at Liberty to discuss that." To keep myself entertained, I would alternate the word that I stressed. So sometimes I'd say, "I'm not at Liberty to discuss that," and other times it would be, "I'm not at Liberty to discuss that." I would continue in this fashion until I was either fired or savagely beaten.
One guy I'm really starting to hate is the surgeon general -- you know, that incredibly pompous government official who cautions us about operating heavy machinery while intoxicated. Yeah, thanks, I'll remember that the next time I'm stumbling down Rugby Road and discover a parked crane with the keys inside. I heard in Britain, where they don't have the privilege of the surgeon general's sage guidance, the kids run rampant with drinking games such as "Operate the Hydraulic Gear Couplings" and the tragically popular "Move Earth," in which dozens of Brits die annually.
And seriously, do we really still need that warning printed on the sides of cigarette packs? I'm pretty sure we all get it by now: smoking = bad for us. Granted, smoking was at one time openly encouraged and supported by catchy advertisements that included slogans like, "Cigarettes: The perfect companion for sexism," and the clever psychological ploy, "Hitler doesn't want you to smoke." Then there was every rationalizing Christian's favorite, "John the Baptist smoked, and he BAPTISED JESUS!"
So for my business class I came up with an idea for a new product that is going to make double-sided tape a thing of the past: double-sided glue stick! I've already done the research and marketing. Check out these testimonials praising my invention:
Amber, 16
"I bought the double-sided glue stick thinking it was a regular glue stick, because there was no difference in the labels or packaging, which seems kind of deceptive. But anyway, I had to use it for an art project at school, and it worked ok, I guess. It was a little messy, and obviously I could only use one side at a time. I couldn't figure out if we're supposed to keep switching off sides or just use up one side and then move on to the next."
Brad, 27
"I've been addicted to sniffing glue for 12 years, and an artist for at least my entire life. And I've gotta say, now that I can glue crap and sniff glue at the same time, I am one happy mofo."
Billy, 13
"I feel like freaking Darth Maul! YES!"
Deborah, 48
"What does this have to do with anything? There's no functional, aesthetic or resourceful advantage to such a product. I realize you're just trying to compete with double-sided tape, but there is absolutely no justification for this kind of maneuver. The products are not utilized in the same way. In fact, yours cannot be utilized at all. You should have just stuck with what you had."
"Double-Sided Glue Stick: Don't get stuck without one!"
P.S. Shut up, Deborah.
Dan's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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