Usually, I am not one for making predic-tions, as I have learned by now that my predictive power about equals that of Miss Cleo. I am going to make an exception here, however, because what I am about to say is guaranteed to be absolutely true. My prediction is that everyone you know truly believes that he or she is extraordinarily self-aware (much the way that oddly, everyone you know will tell you they have "an INSANELY arched foot" -- really).
In every circle of friends, each friend thinks that she is the perceptive one and wonders how her friends cannot realize and reform all of their strange behavioral hang-ups. Sometimes, one friend will tell the others this in a patronizingly sweet tone. And when she leaves the room, the other friends wonder how she can be so mind-numbingly oblivious to their stares of annoyance and congratulate themselves on their own self-awareness. It's the epitome of a vicious circle.
Here is a fact: There are things your friends know about you that you yourself do not know. It is a hard concept to wrap your mind around, but try to think of every time you have uttered the phrase, "How does she not REALIZE that?" about a friend. Got that number in your head? Good, because there is no doubt the same thing has been said about you a roughly equal number of times. It's a frightening thought, but relax. As always, I am here to help you through the tough times by providing a common list of things your friends know about you that you don't know about yourself.
1. You are not a "fun drunk." I know that even as you read this, you are shaking your head vigorously thinking, "It can't be ME she's talking about! I'm a blast!" Well, I am talking about you. And no, you're not a blast. From my pretty substantial experience with drunk people, they come in two generally varieties of obnoxious. The first is petulant, snappy and dismissive (at least until they need your help getting home without face-planting). The second is loud, entirely too peppy and has the tendency to drag you places by the arm (at least until they start vomiting). Your friends have probably already decided which you are and groan every time you begin to drink. Of course, they can't get too uppity because they undeniably fall into one of the categories themselves.
2. You are not a badass. If you are constantly going on (either in person or on an away message ... more on that later) about what a "stain" you are or how "wild" your social life is, you need to ask yourself several questions. A) Do I own argyle socks? B) Do I spend a significant part of the week in Alderman Library? C) Am I still scared of my mother? If the answer to any of these questions is "Yes, absolutely," you need to come to terms with the fact that you are not a badass and that having three drinks, making out in the corner of the bar and falling on your ass on the way home does not make you a rebel. It makes you a lightweight.
3. Your relationship is obnoxious. Maybe she's too clingy. Maybe you're too possessive. Maybe the forces of the universe simply made a colossal mistake by allowing you ever to occupy the same continent. Whatever the problem, you and your significant other are just not palatable to others. So please, think long and hard before discussing potential pet names for your girlfriend or boyfriend with your homies. And cut me slack on saying "homies" -- I've been listening to a lot of Coolio lately.
4. Your music is not that good. Some people, myself included, take a certain amount of pride in listening to "good music." It is these people, myself still included, who force their friends to "listen, like, really listen" to certain songs, yap about bands that have "sold out" by having a single on the radio, and assault people with mix CDs. In truth, your musical tastes are likely not that mind-blowing, so please stop chasing people with your iPod. It's spooky.
5. Your away messages are annoying. Admittedly, I used to pepper my own away messages with inside jokes, emotional proclamations and angsty song lyrics. Now, thanks to the example of a wise friend, I simply leave it to "away" or "around." In all seriousness, no one really needs a computerized update of how fabulous you are, how "craaaazy" your night was, or a list of the infinite errands you run every day. Step away from your computer and stop Google-ing song lyrics.
So perhaps I've made you a little sad by revealing that your friends critique you from time to time for things you're not even aware that you do. If so, I'm sorry. If not, I'd be happy to furnish you with an extended list of other things you might be doing to draw the ire of your companions. It might be tough to take but hey, if all else fails you can always whine about it on your away message. I hear people like that.
Erin's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. She can be reached at gaetz@cavalierdaily.com.
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