Last Wednesday was arguably the most important day in American history. Nov. 8 will live in infamy as a watershed moment in the course of this great nation. You all know what I'm talking about -- that's right, Britney Spears and K-Fed (who shall now be named Fed-Ex) took the first class train to Splitsville, Fla. Why Florida, you ask? Because there actually is a Splitsville, Fla. Google it. There's also a Divorceburg, Penn. and East Icantbelieveimarriedyou, Idaho, but no trains run through either town.
Filing for divorce the same day Virginia voted in favor of Amendment No. 1, Mrs. Spears and Mr. Federline outraged Virginians. B-Spea (it'll catch on, trust me) and Fed-Ex clearly did not respect the sanctity of marriage. Nor did Mr. Federline, widely hailed as "a poor man's Vanilla Ice," respect the sanctity of recorded music. Indeed, listening to his last album was more painful than listening to Carlos Mencia for any period of time.
I kid, of course. But seriously, forget Carlos Mencia.
The real news last Tuesday was the historic Democratic Congressional takeover, as the Republican leadership disappeared faster than butterscotch crumpets at Louie Anderson's birthday party. Senator-elect Jim Webb commented on his underdog victory over George Allen, saying, "My macacanstituency has spoken." Webb quickly apologized after realizing awful puns were outlawed in Virginia under Sen. Allen.
The real question now lies with the Democrats, namely House Speaker to-be Nancy Pelosi, as to what they'll do about Iraq. Pelosi and other Dems have suggested altering their current "cut-and-run" strategy into a more palatable "Saddam: Wasn't That Bad" platform.
"We think that right now Mr. Hussein can do about as good a job handling Iraq as we can," Pelosi opined last Wednesday as she lit a cigar with a $100 bill.
Among other planned Pelosi political procedures: banning alliteration, replacing Christmas decorations in federal buildings with Festivus decorations and nominating Carlos Mencia as U.S. ambassador to the United Nations.
I really, really hate Carlos Mencia. Completing the triumvirate of huge events last Wednesday, Secretary of Defense and noted former respectable leader Donald Rumsfeld resigned. I guess somebody reminded Rummy that not only was he incompetent, but also, HE WAS SECRETARY OF DEFENSE THIRTY YEARS AGO, TOO. Rummy is too old to be in politics -- he's out of touch. He's even older than "macaca" jokes at this point.
Speaking of resignations, how about Dean of the College Ed Ayers leaving the University, huh? It seems Dean Ayers must feel some shame leaving the fine institution where he's spent his whole career. It wouldn't be a problem if he were leaving to be president of Princeton or Stanford or something, but the University of Richmond? Come on, that's the same place that made headlines in the mid-80s when they switched their school mascot from the spider to the University of Virginia rejection letter. The administration wanted to make the school symbol something all the students were very familiar with, apparently.
I have a funny feeling that dear ole Ed will be back to assume the presidency of the University when John "Triplesticks" Casteen, III retires. Hopefully, Dean Ayers will make U. Richmond as wonderful a place as he has the University. You can only work with what you're given, however, especially when you're given a school with a "Murder: Not That Bad" department.
I suppose there's a theme to all these seemingly unrelated rants: A lot of people either quit or got fired last week. Yet, among all these sackings and divorces, America loves to see people's lives fall apart. What is wrong with us? Are Americans all apathetic? Are we simply too busy watching "Mind of Mencia" to realize that America needs to focus on important issues?
Sadly, it appears that yes, we are apathetic. Virginia, however, is a bright spot -- we had a much higher voter turnout than most of the country. Plus, University students seem to be genuinely interested in what's happening in the world. Still, somebody should Fed-Ex a punch to Kevin Federline's face.
Brendan's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at collins@cavalierdaily.com.
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