Most people our age have heard of the "Dear Abby" column at some point or another. The premise behind the whole thing is people will write letters to Abby about their problems, and she will write back with simple solutions. After some careful research, I dug up a few excerpts which were probably written by college students. Keep in mind that when I say "careful research," I really mean "totally made up."
Dear Abby,
Why are there no nice guys out there anymore? I try really, really hard to find one, but there just aren't any left! I mean, I go out to the frats every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night to look for a decent guy. What else can I do? Please help.
Sincerely,
Desperately in need of companionship
Dear Desperate,
It's possible that you're going about this in the wrong way. Although your options are very limited, here are a few places where you might find that special someone who won't take advantage of you as soon as you're drunk: class, dining hall, on your way to and from class, library, dorm or ANYWHERE ELSE.
I realize it may be hard to find places like these on a college campus, so here's a piece of practical advice: Anyone who says "beer is food" is probably not the type of guy you're looking for. Best of luck in your search.
Love,
Abby
Dear Abby,
Why do girls always go for the wrong guys? They complain about not being able to find "nice guys," but then run off with the next frat guy who comes knocking. Can't they see the nice guy they're looking for is right in front of them? I try to be there for them, so I sit and listen to them complain for hours only to watch some douchebag with a popped collar take them away. What am I doing wrong?
Sincerely,
Pathetically in need of guidance
Dear Pathetic,
Grow some balls.
Love,
Abby
Dear Abby,
Will I ever find my place in life? What are we here for? Who am I? Will I ever find true love? What is true love, anyway? I can't believe I'm asking a columnist. Are you really the only one I can turn to? I'm so lost and confused.
Sincerely,
Useless emo kid
Dear Useless,
Shut up. Seriously, no one cares. I can't answer your questions because we both know you don't really want answers. So, my only suggestion to you is to get a haircut, wash off all that black makeup and get some sun. A girlfriend wouldn't hurt, but we'll take this one step at a time.
Love,
Abby
1011 01001,
1101010 0100010 0011 11001?
10111,
0010
Dear Numbers,
You didn't seriously just write me a letter in binary, did you? Since I don't understand your questions, I can only take a shot in the dark here and give you what I think will be useful advice: Transfer out of the Engineering School as soon as you can -- it's killing you inside and everyone can tell.
Love,
Abby
Dear Abby,
I write for my school newspaper. I'm too scared to say things up-front, so I hide behind simple tricks like writing fake letters to you. It's not really a big deal because I only have about 15 people reading, but I was just worried that this might be a personal issue. Thanks for your help.
Sincerely,
Life columnist
Dear Life columnist,
Yeah, you're all messed up in the head. Good luck.
Love,
Abby
Ed's column runs bi-weekly on Fridays. He can be reached at edcao@cavalierdaily.com.