I consider myself a pretty polite guy. I say "bless you" when people sneeze, I hold the door open for those with whom I am sharing a doorway and I always at least nod my head in recognition when I make eye contact with someone, despite their stranger status.
You might even fancy yourself as a polite person too. You think you do your part to contribute to a happy and welcoming populous, and it brightens your day that you can brighten your bus driver's day by saying "hello" and "thank you." I suppose it's possible that it does, but it's more likely that inside they're fuming that they've been one-upped.
That's right, you've just politeness-owned them (hereafter, "politowned"). Because the world, ladies and gentlemen, is a competition. We face off in grades and résumés, competing for job slots and top salaries with one another and it would be a mistake to assume that I wouldn't cut your throat for your Goldman-Sachs interview slot ... Okay, well maybe I wouldn't kill you, but I probably would let the air out of your tires.
So you ask yourself: How can such an outwardly polite person be so evil as to let the air out of my tires and cause me immeasurable shame and embarrassment? I'll tell you how -- it's because I play the game, and I play it well.
For instance, there's a kind gentleman who swipes my card almost every night at Newcomb and he's never been anything but jovial. Since I don't know his name I shall call him Thor. The following is the transcript of my conversation with Thor that is identical every night:
Jim: "Hello."
Thor: "Hi, how are you?"
Jim: "I'm doing well, thanks, how are you?"
Thor: "I'm doing good." [Please note, this grammatical gaffe is not a reflection of my poor writing but rather a direct quote from Thor. It would not be polite of me to inform him of his mistake, so I never will.]
*Thor swipes card*
Jim: "Thanks."
Thor: "Have a nice night."
Jim: "Thanks, you too."
I consider Thor a very worthy foe, as he has the politeness down to formulaic conversation that he can have with anyone and everyone who needs swipage (don't bother looking it up, it's not a word). However, please note that I manage three thank you's in a five second conversation. Like I said, I play the game and I play it well.
The point of that transcription is to demonstrate that there is a war on. You never know when you're going to encounter someone who desires nothing more than to politown you into the ground for another notch on their belt. Politeness is a zero-sum game, and they want your points. It could be your bus driver or card swiper, it could be a gas station attendant (if you live in the Midwest), a professor or even (gasp!) a member of your own family!
So what are some situations that you should be on the lookout for? First and perhaps easiest is the "speedy hello." When you see someone that you know (and by "know" I mean actually know, have talked to before, or recognize and make eye contact with), make sure to be the one who says hello first. Besides showing yourself to be polite it also has the functional value of placing you in control of the conversation and can direct it in such directions that give you greater opportunities than the other person to demonstrate your politeness (e.g. asking about their family/roommate's well-being/operation to make them less ugly).
A few more strategies: being the first to the handshake, laughing at crappy jokes, complimenting a life section writer on a job well done (not in any way related to the previous strategy) and letting women go in front of you when passing through a door (also has the added advantage of them being attacked first if a monster lays in wait on the other side).
Persistence is key; I thought that my stalemate with Thor would last until the end of our days here but just tonight he broke, excerpted here:
Thor: "I'm doing good."
Jim: "Thanks."
Thor: "I'm doing... umm, (*mumble mumble*) have a nice night.
Jim: "Thanks, you too (*smiles smugly and throws hands up in the air in victory when out of eyeshot*)
All of this will pay off in spades and lead to politownage on a massive scale. People will take notice and, in an attempt to enhance their own politeness status, will compliment your politeness to other people when you're not around. If you follow these steps, women will want you, men will want to be you (adjust for your own gender), but your tire pressure will drop precipitously more often for no apparent reason.
Jim's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesday. He can be reached at russell@cavalierdaily.com.
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