I've come to discover that, not only do some people read my column, but a few even pay heed to what I have to say. This has come as a big shock to me and I'm sure to a few of my friends, because I'm the first to admit I don't actually know what I'm talking about. I really have no credibility, which is why I am constantly amazed if someone says they ditched their skinny jeans because I said to, or purchased an extra pair of leggings on account of a column. I just bought a pair of skinny jeans for crying out loud, which could make me a bigger hypocrite than Thomas Jefferson if I actually valued my own opinion. So please remember to take what I say with a few hundred grains of salt ... and pay close attention to what I say next.
As my last column of the semester before I study abroad, I was hoping to impart some sort of incredible wisdom to my faithful reader about life, fashion and the need to give away your Uggs. I've been drawn to a different kind of drama, however. In classes we talk about important third-world problems afflicting the world today: genocide in Darfur, people dying in Iraq, AIDs in sub-Saharan Africa. The issues we encounter in our daily lives rarely fall into this category, though.
Instead, they could be classified in what has commonly become referred to as "first-world problems." First-world problems encompass everything from your exam next Saturday to the hangover you're nursing from last night, or the serious dilemma of whether to pick waffle fries or straight cut at the dining hall. "What if I don't get a summer internship with Goldman Sachs, thereby hindering my life path to conformity and unhappiness?" "Why hasn't he called me?" "How could they possibly run out of Natty at 12 a.m.?!" These can all be considered first-world problems.
But what about someone who is so stylistically challenged he wears a flashing reindeer sweater to class without trying to be ironic? Or Crocs? These issues, I believe, should now be referred to as first-world-and-a-half problems, effective immediately. Especially in the realm of fashion, these are issues that just might be a little worse than getting an F on a paper. It's important to remember in this community of pearls and privilege that some people have real problems. Some people wear tennis shoes with jeans, backless shirts to places of academic learning or, God forbid, last season's Polos without remorse. Whether ignorance, abject poverty or simple colorblindness is the cause, the result remains the same. So how do we remedy this dire situation? In a previous column I proposed that a new Madison House project be started to aid those with fashion issues, yet, for some unforeseen reason, no one has taken me up on my brilliant idea.
So with two weeks left before I can go home for some holiday cheer, and little to do besides construct a Chrismukkahwanzafestivus list (besides possibly studying for exams), I've devised a simple list of fashion commandments that you can follow in my absence:
Alex's Rules to Dress By
1. Anything can be worn with a sense of irony and self-confidence, besides tube socks and chenille sweaters.
2. Converses don't make you emo. Bad poetry does.
3. Leggings should be in black or dark, muted colors. Never, EVER orange.
4. A full-on matching Juicy sweat suit will make you look like a Desperate Housewife. Wear with caution.
5. The easiest way for a girl to blend in with the University community is to wear a North Face, Sevens and Rainbows. If you're running from an ABC cop, it's surefire. If you don't want to look like an automaton, try to branch out.
6. Black socks are never attractive. Boys take heed.
7. If you rush and a sorority girl sneers at your jacket label, watch out. And then steal that crazy gypsy's tears.
8. Thou shalt not wear makeup shades not found in nature during the day.
9. Always wear a tiara on your birthday.
10. Never listen to someone else's fashion advice unless it's really good.
Alex's column runs bi-weekly on Fridays. She can be reached at jospin@cavalierdaily.com.
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