Priority registration at the University will be altered so scholars and athletes will be able to register before their classmates only, rather than before the whole undergraduate population. Second-year College student "Sleepyhead" will continue to be the last person to register for classes, but that's his fault for always missing his early morning meetings with his advisor. Get it together, Billy.
Thanks to my tremendous influence over the Board of Visitors (ever since I ran my bike into the rector's car and made it look like his fault), I am making sure that these planned changes to the registration system don't take too much away from the athletic community, of which I am a member (ever since they made accumulating parking tickets a varsity sport). In addition, I have been able to view the complete outline for the new ISIS hierarchy. Here is the official order in which each group of students will now get to sign up for classes. See where you fall.
1) Third years with Wednesday Life columns in The Cavalier Daily (Jackpot!)
2) Students whom the rector has allegedly run over with his car (Not necessary but I'll take it!)
3) Fourth years with fewer than 50 credits (Not that they should technically even be students at this point, but these people definitely need to play catch-up.)
4) Sociology majors
5) Football players (Wait, isn't that redundant?)
6) The 15 percent of first years who, according to the Stall Street Journal, do NOT call 911 when their friends are showing signs of alcohol poisoning (Do these people deserve to register so early in the game? Yes. What appears to be reckless, morally reprehensible behavior is just their way of telling us they don't feel sufficiently challenged in their classes. Besides, a lot of them probably would have called had they not been passed out themselves.)
7) Commerce School kids (This may seem low on the list for such an elite group of students, but they'll likely trade their way to the top anyway. Plus, they ought to get screwed over at least once in their lives.)
8) Everyone else, except for ...
9) Sleepyhead (Look, you brought this on yourself.)
Not a bad list. If the administration really wants to improve the registration process, however, it should make registration more like men's rush. Everyone already knows the only real way to get to know your TAs is to spend a weekend with them in Atlantic City. And students would make much more informed decisions about the classes they take after enjoying a "casino night" at Dean Ayers' house.
In other U.Va. news, Robert Bland, who in 1959 became the first African-American to receive an undergraduate degree from the University, recently gave a speech at Newcomb Hall. The turnout was decent, but a lot of people were probably deterred by the fliers, which were advertising the event as a "Bland lecture."
Speaking of none of that, you can really tell a lot about what your friends think of you based on the way they RSVP to your event invitations on Facebook. The most common response of "Maybe Attending" means the person will not only not attend, but will publicly mock the idea of going to your lame apartment to watch a lame episode of "24."
"Not Attending" means the person now resents you immeasurably for forcing him to come up with an excuse for not showing up, which ironically will take more time than the event itself. "Awaiting Reply" is in fact worse than "Not Attending." It means the person doesn't respect you enough to click a mouse once. Anyone listed "Awaiting Reply" is really awaiting graduation, when he can finally depart and leave this whole mess behind.
Worst of all, "Attending" means the person is actually lame enough to attend your lame event. And guess what? You've just admitted to the Facebook world that you're friends with this person. Nice job. As you can see, your only true friends are the ones you don't invite in the first place. Remember that.
Dan Dooley's column runs every Wednesday. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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