Occurrences of gross stupidity are among those unique events that can either be maddeningly frustrating or absolutely hilarious, depending on your role in the event. An act of overwhelming incompetence is like a football in the crotch. It's hilarious when it happens to somebody else, not so much when it happens to you. Fortunately for me, infuriatingly brainless decisions are made all the time, often in extremely public situations, and none of them really affect me. Inspired by CNN's "101 Dumbest Moments" list, the following are a few of my favorite recent dim-witted decisions:
Introducing the new CEO of Radio Shack -- Brittany Spears.
Last August Radio Shack decided to fire 400 employees via e-mail. This is the business equivalent of the "Text Message Breakup," which any Kelly fan knows just does not fly. Shame on you Radio Shack, unless all 400 employees were Kevin Federline, in which case your actions were completely appropriate.
Sure the Browns suck, but we still have the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, jerks.
The geniuses at Fiji water decided to run a magazine ad campaign with the tagline "The Label Says Fiji Because It's Not Bottled in Cleveland." In response, Cleveland officials conducted tests showing that Fiji water contains over six milligrams of arsenic per liter. Fiji then responded with a claim that their water has only two milligrams of arsenic per liter. Only two milligrams of arsenic? Only? I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that you should stay away from a company that thumbs its nose at a city for the amount of poisonous material in its product and counters with any figure that is more than no arsenic.
"Na-Na, we only have two milligrams of poison in our water, and the walls of our factory only have a little bit of asbestos."
And I thought that phallus in the castle on the cover of "The Little Mermaid" was hilarious.
Many of us have heard the urban legend that a disgruntled Disney employee decided to draw a certain part of the male anatomy into the golden castle in the background of "The Little Mermaid" video cover. An employee of a food processor in England decided to add a certain canine byproduct that rhymes with 'Log Smit' to the list of ingredients on a package of ham. The employee was promptly fired when the prank was discovered. What I want to know is: what happened to the brain trust that had the final say on that label?
Honey, no more watching TV in the snake-filled, mousetrap and knife collection room.
Now that there is a TiVo in my apartment, I can conveniently forward through inconvenient commercials. The one exception is drug advertisements. If I see a way-too-happy couple biking through a picturesque countryside or an old man with an ear to ear smile winking at what appears to be a 100-year-old woman, I stop in my tracks because I know a sweet nugget of hilarity is on its way.
The most recent moronic moment came during a drug commercial warning that users "may become light-headed and faint when standing up quickly and should avoid any situations where this could be a problem." There is only one situation in which I have ever become light-headed after standing up. This is when I had been sitting around watching TV for six hours then jumped up like a sugared-up seven-year-old because dinner was ready. Last time I checked, this was not a dangerous situation. I sincerely hope there is not a single user of this drug who is lying down and hopping up like a crazy person during genuinely risky circumstances.
"Damn it Jim, you're supposed to be flying this plane, not lying down and standing up quickly while we're in the air. Didn't you read the warning label on those pills?"
My landlords should not be better than a nuclear plant at anything.
Many of us have been unfortunate enough to lose the keys to our dorm rooms or apartments. In these situations the locks are promptly changed, we are forced to pony up some sort of fee and life goes on as usual. When employees at a nuclear plant in Germany lost keys to the most highly-guarded areas of the building, however, their utility company spent months searching for the keys instead of simply replacing the locks. While I'm sure the cost of replacing those locks exceeds that of our dorms, the negative consequences might be worse as well. People bust into Cauthen, in the name of all things Holy, and there are hundreds of microwaves and small TV/VCR combos at stake. When it comes to the nuclear plant you have to figure the keys will turn up sooner or later. Nothing bad could happen, right?
People are dumb. Hope you enjoyed.
Eric's column runs alternating Tuesdays. He can be reached at ast@cavalierdaily.com.
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