Even as the bitter cold of winter is finally setting in, my mind cannot help but skip to the chaos to come. For, wrapped in blankets and swaddling clothes, lying in my recliner, there are only two words that come to mind: swimsuit season.
In my younger years, I scoffed at the idea of needing to slim down or bulk up in order to don my floral-patterned Hawaiian bathing trousers. But now that I am at the height of my wisdom potential, I see how I have been a fool for the majority of my life. While I was scoffing at swimsuit season, everyone around was scoffing at me, and I can tell you from personal experience that it doesn't feel good to be scoffed at.
What many people don't remember, however, is the fact that this is also the season of jealousy. Girlfriends walk the beaches in bikinis that could double as dental floss, attracting the eyes of men everywhere and making their BFs a little hot under the collar. Boyfriends, likewise, begin having the wandering eye as hundreds of females can be found sunbathing at any major field on Grounds. Men and women alike become frustrated with both their significant others and with the home wreckers who are merely just trying to look their best. So what to do in a lose-lose situation? Chill out.
Let's face it, guys: If you have an attractive girlfriend, there are going to be more than a few instances of other guys staring at her when she is wearing a mini skirt. This is part of life. There is no need to throw down the gauntlet because of something that said third party probably couldn't have prevented if he'd wanted to. What you need to be worried about is a situation in which there are no guys looking at your girlfriend, for it is at this point that you must ask yourself, and possibly a few reliable and painfully honest friends, is she ugly? Therefore, let the stares be a way of confirming what you already thought about your girlfriend, as opposed to some challenge to your status as her boyfriend.
And as for the ladies, try to understand that guys usually aren't thinking about anything when they look at another girl. Most of you assume that somehow in the course of that millisecond look back we have conscientiously made a decision that she is so much more attractive than you that we must look at her instead. This, however, is generally not the case. Personally, I look back when I see a squirrel running up a tree or when there are spinners on a car, or even when someone has a mullet. Given that so little is required for a necessary look back, it seems that doing a double take on girls who may be purposefully trying to attract men is not that far from a natural reaction. And, most importantly, it has nothing to do with some lack of infatuation for you. Thus, there is no need to get upset if such an incident occurs, and maybe you might even give that girl a high five for doing her best to look good. Or maybe you can just scowl at her. It's up to you.
Whether we like it or not, swimsuit season is coming on hard and fast, like a river, a huge river, with social consequences lining both of its banks; and a waterfall at the end; with hordes of people jostling to jump into the river first; which is weird, because there's a waterfall at the end. Metaphors aside, we will soon be in the middle of a mad rush to gyms everywhere in a last-ditch effort to make that new bathing suit look even a little bit saucier. And maybe there will be some mindless staring at times, resulting in a few minor fender benders and some running into poles. But hopefully in the end, we'll all just laugh at these little moments instead of letting them get to us. Let the games begin.
Andy's column runs biweekly Mondays. He can be reached at taylor@cavalierdaily.com.
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