There are several schools of thought on the existence of God. On the one hand, there are those who believe in God and would say, "Yes, there is a God." On the other hand, there are those people who do not believe in God and, if asked, would probably answer, "No." On the third hand, there are people who are not sure either way and tend to respond, "Meh."
These three groups are called theists, atheists and mehists, respectively. In this completely objective essay about how God definitely exists, I'll trace the history of the God debate and weigh all arguments equally.
The issue of whether God exists has been debated since long before humans were around. Back then, God was the only being in existence, and He won all the debates.
When human beings came along, much more complex issues had to be addressed, such as whether I should up my semester meal plan and what to do about the war in Iraq (in that order). At first, however, nothing was resolved because humans couldn't speak yet. Of course they had vocal cords, but they hadn't figured out how to use them. Now if I could travel back in time to when people were alive but weren't yet using their vocal cords, I'd be like, "What the hell are you doing? Speak, for God's sake! God gave you the gift of voice, now you must verbally debate whether He exists!"
But how could God have given us the gift of voice, as it were, if He never existed? Well, He would have had to e-mail it to someone and then they would have had to forward it to us. Except e-mail didn't exist back then; rather, it was invented years later through the joint effort of Al Gore and God.
The easiest way to find out if God really exists is to ask God Himself. Since it is fundamentally agreed upon that God is omniscient, surely He should know whether God exists. So I tried calling the Big Guy just moments ago, but the lines must have gotten crossed or something because Politics Prof. Larry Sabato picked up on the other end. Although political omniscience is impressive, and I did manage to find out that God votes Republican 79 percent of the time, I am not looking for mere statistics but a definitive, affirmative answer to this simple, unanswerable question.
Another convincing argument for the existence of God has recently been developed by the good people at Direct TV. They now offer hundreds of premium channels, HBO, Showtime and PAX 14-Hispanico, all for the low, low price of $39.99 a month. Now if that doesn't convince you that God exists ... they'll knock five dollars off the price. How's that sound, you cheap demonic heathen?
Allow me to drive the point home using an analogy that I am about to make up right now. Suppose you are a professional baseball player. If you already are a professional baseball player, suppose you are a regular person. If you are a retired professional baseball player, please excuse yourself from the room and we'll let you know when it's okay to come back inside.
Now, imagine you're the pitcher. Imagine God is at bat. Imagine George Steinbrenner and the Yankees have just acquired Him in a record-breaking trade deal (of course, God would never really associate Himself with the Yankees, so there is admittedly some slight exaggeration in this analogy). Before you can throw the first pitch, God steps out of the batter's box. He takes a few practice cuts. He smites an atheistic heckler in the crowd. He spits. A tobacco-flavored ocean forms where His loogie landed. Finally, God steps back in the box. Your catcher gets nervous and signals for the intentional walk, but you ignore the advice and pitch anyway. God hits a grand slam.
What has happened here? First, you thought you could get God out with "science," but God just made you think that way so you would become overconfident and leave a hanging breaking ball over the middle of the plate. That's God's sweet pitch. Don't bring that stuff into God's house. Also keep in mind that God might have hit the grand slam without ever showing up to the game, since what appears to you to be a logical chain of events might, in a metaphysical world, be an intricately crafted illusion that allows God to stay at home and watch Direct TV.
In short, God must exist, or else nothing could prevent us from knowing the secret to everlasting life, and then it would all be over.
Stay tuned for my next essay, "The Secret to Everlasting Life: Revealed!"
Dan's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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