Dear CBS, Please hire me as a political commentator for future coverage of the State of the Union address. Though Katie Couric is a classy lady, there are a few points she missed that I would never let slide. The following is what I would have said during Tuesday night's broadcast. And these hilarious quotes are not made up -- they've been taken directly from Bush's speech:
Winnie, in my seductive and sultry (yet mildly husky) broadcasting voice: Hello, America. Welcome to the CBS coverage of the President's State of the Union address.
President Bush: "I have the high privilege and distinct honor of my own, as the first president to begin the State of the Union message with these words: 'Madam Speaker.'"
W: President Bush is also the first president to recommend an interior decorator to the Speaker of the House.
B: "First, we must balance the federal budget. We can do so without raising taxes."
W: I agree. We can conquer other countries and sell off the land.
B: "With enough good sense and good will, you and I can fix Medicare and Medicaid -- and save Social Security."
W: And only you can prevent forest fires.
B: "The No Child Left Behind Act has worked for America's children ..."
W: That's a brilliant name. No Child Left Behind. It conjures up an image of a child standing in the rain. He wakes up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning. He doesn't think he'll ever make it on time. By the time he grabs his books and gives himself a look, he's at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by. Ideally, it's alright because he's saved by the bell. But in the real world, there is no bell. I like No Child Left Behind because the school bus will never leave another child behind again. I also like it because I don't have to pay for it.
B: "To secure our border, we are doubling the size of the border patrol ..."
W: And then we are sending them to Iraq. We can also send the illegal immigrants to Iraq. And the legal immigrants because we don't like people who are different.
B: "We need to uphold the great tradition of the melting pot ..."
W: Mmm. Fondue.
B: "These technologies ... will help us to confront the serious challenge of global climate change."
W: Note the strategery in using the term "global climate change" instead of "global warming." Well played, Mr. President, well played. Using "global warming" would have only encouraged science in its war on humanity. "The world is warming" is a statement analogous to "Man evolved from monkeys." Scientists, like terrorists, hate freedom.
B: "A future of hope and opportunity requires a fair, impartial system of justice ... We have a shared obligation to ensure that the federal courts have enough judges to hear those cases and deliver timely rulings."
W: I'm sure President Bush's statement is not directed toward Guantanamo Bay detainees. He is talking about people.
B: "Every one of us wishes that this war were over and won."
W: Mission accomplished.
B: "Our work in the world is also based on a timeless truth: To whom much is given, much is required."
W: Eerily, President Bush's statement echoes the wise words of advice given to Peter Parker in the "Spider-Man" movies. "With great power comes great responsibility." Coincidentally, Vice President Dick Cheney looks like the metal octopus man, except, you know, he shot a man in the face.
B: "When America serves others in this way, we show the strength and generosity of our country."
W: Because that's why I help others and do charity work: I like to show how strong and generous I am. I am the best.
B: "Dikembe Mutombo ... this son of the Congo ..."
W: I can't wait for the day someone calls me the "daughter of the Yangtze."
B: "Julie sold Baby Einstein to the Walt Disney Company ... and she is using her success to help others -- producing child safety videos ..."
W: How ironic. Last week, Tigger punched a boy in the face. It was almost like the time Dick Cheney punched a boy in the face. And by punched, I mean shot.
B: "... the State of our Union is strong."
W: And free.
CBS, as you can see, I am an engaging and insightful political commentator. I can only hope that the state of our future union, CBS, is strong. And free.
Winnie's column runs bi-weekly on Thursdays. She can be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
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