This weather is freaking me out. It was, like, 70 degrees the other day. Do you realize what that MEANS?!?!? It means, from now on it will no longer be impressive to say you streaked the Lawn in the middle of January. Also, I heard something about global warming and possibly the end of the world.
Effective immediately, the "student charge" system, which allows students to send their Bookstore bills home, will be renamed "Get Back at Your Parents for Refusing to Buy You a Car for the Fifth Christmas in a Row Charge."
Probable presidential candidate Barack Obama has inadvertently offended many of his opponents by having the middle name "Hussein." But Republicans will only get more upset when they discover that the full name of their own top candidate is John Hillary Rodham Clinton McCain.
Over Winter Break, the Virginia Department of Transportation posted street signs bearing the new name of the North Grounds Connector: Leonard Sandridge Road. Clearly, the Commonwealth's Adopt-A-Highway program has gotten desperate and is now offering to name streets after random citizens in exchange for donations. Dibs on Rugby.
The thing I dread most about returning to school is note-taking. For the first 20 minutes of class, I always get carried away with taking overly precise notes. Then I get lost and distracted by smudges from the LCD projector and end up ignoring the professor completely. Too bad quizzes aren't on the shapes of LCD projector smudges.
Whenever I see "Death by Chocolate" written on a dessert menu, I instantly feel sorry for anyone who's ever had a relative drown in a pool of brownie batter. People can be so insensitive.
Speaking of sweets-related catastrophes, imagine getting stuck in a giant dish of crème brûlée. You'd be simultaneously drowning in custard and trapped beneath the hardened layer of caramelized sugar.
Well, this column is deteriorating quickly. Must ... return ... to ... reality.
University Provost Gene Block announced recently he will leave the University later this year to become the new chancellor of UCLA. I have already submitted an application to fill Block's vacancy, and my prospects look good. Check out the interview responses I've prepared.
Q: What experience do you have with university administration?
A: Once I saw Casteen getting out of his car. Also, I own a briefcase with locks and little number dials -- just throwing that out there.
Q: In your estimation, what is the role of the provost at a public institution?
A: Let me answer that question by asking a totally unrelated one: If this whole provost thing doesn't work out, can I have Dean Ayers' job instead?
Q: You sound very ambitious and goal-oriented. Also, the fact that you've been trying to unlock your briefcase throughout this entire interview demonstrates great perseverance and physical stamina. But this job also requires excellent networking skills -- how many Facebook friends do you have?
A: That is a highly personal question. It's not about how many friends you have; it's about maintaining deep, meaningful relationships. But, for the record, I have 1,327.
Q: Fantastic. When can you start? Sir?
A: Sorry, my planner is in the briefcase.
Dan's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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