By all accounts I should be fired for coming up with a title that stupid. But this isn't the Post, this is the Cav Daily. We run a different kind of ship here. A poorly designed, barely floating kind of ship.
But that's neither here nor there. What's really important is my experience at the Chili Peppers show last Friday. I've been a fairly large RHCP fan ever since I saw the ridiculous video for "Give It Away" when I was six.
Bassist Flea is definitely one of my favorite people in the world. Not because he's in the Chili Peppers, but because of his earth-shattering performance as Needles in the "Back to the Future" movies.
I had a great time Friday night. I'll provide a play-by-play of exactly how much fun I was having at any given moment.
7:30 p.m.: Arrive at JPJ. I'm turned away at the door because apparently security wasn't happy with my wardrobe, which consisted solely of a strategically placed sock. I steal somebody's clothes -- sucks for them.
7:32 p.m.: Proceed up to section 312, where I am under the impression that my row "AA" seats are front-row. Disappointed upon learning that, in fact, my seats are in the very top row, I dejectedly listen to Gnarls Barkley.
7:41 p.m.: Wow, JPJ is pretty spacious. Never been here before. Nice job, U.Va.
7:42 p.m.: Succumb to altitude sickness at the top row.
8:12 p.m.: Regain consciousness in time to hear 14,000 people sing "Crazy" much worse than frontman Cee-lo can. Bang head against seat in front of me to re-induce a coma ... unsuccessful.
8:15 p.m.: Gnarls Barkley is gone. The sonic void has been replaced by people from Tech chanting "Hokies!!" and JMU people responding with "Dogs!!" These people didn't get into U.Va. the first time, and I suppose they're just glad to be here. I allow them to continue without heckling.
8:28 p.m.: People scream loudly when the lights dim. Anthony, Chad, Flea, and John come onstage, sans socks -- disappointment. Flea is only wearing pants, John is wearing a 70s silken lounge shirt, Chad has on a sleeveless painter's one-piece jumpsuit and Anthony is wearing strategically placed socks on his arms.
8:35 p.m.: Concert proceeds very well. I'm particularly enjoying the 50-something man in front of me, who's dancing as happily as if he just got his AARP discount at Denny's.
8:51 p.m.: "Snow (Hey Oh)" comes on. I love this song! It puts me into a wintry mood. The snowballs that I snuck in hit the people across from me -- unappreciated.
8:52 p.m.: Wait ... this song is about doing coke?!?
9:12 p.m.: Giant circular lights shaped like spaceship-things descend from above the stage, blocking my entire view of the performance. Sweet.
9:27 p.m.: "Parallel Universe" begins. If the graphics on the screens behind the band are any indicator, this song is about a giant metallic griffin flying through space. Who knew?
10:11 p.m.: John Frusciante, the guitarist, apparently wishes an 80-year old man in the audience a happy birthday. Unbeknownst to John, the old man is only here because he doesn't realize the concert is not a bingo tournament.
10:40 p.m.: The boys wrap up the encore with "Under the Bridge." Nobody knows the words to the final verse, but everybody's singing anyway. After the song, Anthony abruptly leaves the stage, and the other three jam for about four minutes before signing off too -- bizarre ending to the show.
10:47 p.m.: I run into the naked man whose apparel I currently wear. He gives me back my sock; I give him all his stuff. I leave JPJ, freezing my ... ears off.
So there you have it. All in all, a great show. The Chili Peppers really brought their A-game. If only I had brought more than a sock.
Brendan's column runs alternating Mondays. He can be reached at collins@cavalierdaily.com