Neil Sedaka was mostly right. I'm sure 97 percent of the people reading this don't know who Neil Sedaka is, but he's the guy who sings that 60s toe-tappin' hit "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." Where Neil went wrong, however, was with this line: "Come on baby, let's start anew, 'cuz breakin' up is hard to do."
Screw that. That's the last thing you want to do. What does it even mean to "start anew" anyway? Neil Sedaka, my friends, is just avoiding confrontation. This often leads to something called "marriage" or, at least, a relationship that lasts way longer than intended. I once wanted to break up with someone after one week of dating, but because I did not want to say those terrible words, "we need to talk," I went out with the person for a year. And a half.
But now, things are different. I have devised six methods of easy breakups. Anyone can use these methods at any time, and it really beats having to pay for a wedding.
1. The "snip-snip" -- This is possibly the easiest way to dump someone, unless of course he or she is a stalker, or has an IQ greater than 50. It's as easy as this: your phone rings, displaying his/her name, and you let it keep ringing. You can block this person on AIM, too, but be careful. If your significant other has any sense whatsoever, he or she might check your profile from the backup screen name created for that purpose alone. Making your screen name invisible is slightly less of an obvious dis, but the new girl or guy you are online-flirting with might wonder why your buddy alert moo did not sound when you signed on.
2. The "we were never really dating anyway" -- This is for people who plan ahead. If you aren't dating then you don't have to break up. This way you can end your relationship through a phaseout, not a blowout.
3. The text message break up -- Well, there's this online video that says something along the lines of, "You can't text message a break-up." But guess what? You actually can. This way, you can do it clearly, concisely and in 160 characters or less. Make sure your soon-to-be-ex can actually receive text messages, though. Otherwise, option three could produce some very confusing consequences.
4. The joke breakup -- This one is intended not only to get the job done, but also to humiliate the other person and/or make him consider having his head examined. It usually only works for younger relationships, but if it is performed by a master, this is also a hilarious way to dump a fiancée. Go up to a coworker while your significant other is looming behind you and mention the cutie from accounting that you'd like to get to know ... I mean, really get to know. When the loomer's eyes widen in shock, just wink and giggle. Proceed to introduce your boyfriend as your friend. Elbow him and mention to your coworker he is available! If he has enough confidence to approach you about it later, laugh and ask incredulously, "You thought we were really dating? Sorry, guess I took that little joke too far."
5. The "phone-a-friend option" -- Here's the deal -- no one realizes this, but to guys, all girls sound the same, and vice versa. Have a friend of the same-sex who sounds like you call your boyfriend. Make sure your pal does it quickly so your significant other doesn't start asking questions that she don't know how to answer.
6. The "total jerk metamorphosis" -- This is probably the hardest of the easy ways because it involves such an all-consuming transformation on the dumper's part that he or she does not actually have to do any dumping whatsoever in the end. If the dumper is female, she should just deny all sexual advances. If the dumper is male, he should suggest that his girlfriend should start working out more and/or criticize her food choices in the dining hall. For example, if she chooses a salad, tell her she might want to try the fat-free dressing. If she chooses steak, pinch her butt and let her know that they were just kidding on that Burger King commercial when they were talking about the Angus Diet.
If one of these methods fails, no worries. You have five others to cycle through. If you try all six and your significant other still does not get the picture, a restraining order always gets the point across. I mean, it has to.
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