Unfortunately for Valentine's Day, the printing of my column fell on this coinciding date. I wouldn't label myself as a Valentine's Day "hater," because when I think of Valentine's Day haters I picture unfortunate-looking persons playing "Love Stinks" on repeat in the dark while sobbing. That's not me at all. Frank Sinatra is more my style, seriously. I would consider myself to be Valentine's Day neutral in that I enjoy receiving gifts, but I think it is a holiday that is hard to enjoy.
I believe the sneaky problem with Valentine's Day is that even though people rarely admit to really liking it, most want to celebrate it so they don't feel alone. But those who try to make their friends or family members their valentines always end up feeling shown up by their smug, attached acquaintances who get flowers and dinner dates. Inspired by my musings I eagerly expressed my desire to write a column trashing Valentine's Day sentiment and one of my coworkers suggested I make a list of things not to give as Valentine's gifts -- things that would be inappropriate replacements to an actually thoughtful gift.
The first item that comes to mind is the Facebook gift. A Facebook gift does not, under any circumstances, count as a real Valentine's Day gift unless it is the backside of the Troll doll, which is my personal favorite. Or maybe the sock on the doorknob. But seriously, Facebook is becoming deluded by cockiness if they think we are going to spend a dollar to post a picture on someone's wall. The free gift was a nice tease, but I refuse to pay Facebook for anything, even if claims to be for charity.
Then there's the standard drunk dial or drunk text. Drunk dials and drunk texts are never appropriate --- especially on Valentine's Day where passionate emotions have a tendency to run rampant and become vocalized and slurred on voice mails or appear misspelled in inboxes. They always seem like a good idea at the time, but they never are. The worst feeling in the world is waking up with your thumb on your cell phone's "send" button and reading the messages in your outbox, which look like they were written for the Jumble. My advice: If there's someone you secretly want to text on Valentine's Day, you might want to go out phoneless or at least bring along some duct tape to hold your thumbs down. If only I could take my own advice.
Another form of communication that inspires dread in the hearts of many is any type of public display of affection from an intermediary relaying a message, a "sonnet gram" for example. Last Valentine's Day I witnessed someone receive one and it was the most painfully awkward moment. I'm an English major, so I can say with some assertion that I don't think Shakespeare would appreciate his poetry inspiring public humiliation when some weirdo in costume recites a sonnet to an unsuspecting victim in a lecture hall.
Snow is a horrible Valentine's Day gift. Of course you can't give snow as a gift, but I just wanted to use this outlet to make the weather gods aware that I am sick of the snow and the millions of granules of rock salt and sand that are stuck in the crevices of my shoes and subsequently are scattered all around my apartment floor. Another unfavorable consequence of snow is the dirty sludge that accumulates on the side of the streets that stains my jeans and my new ballet flats. Basically, gray skies are becoming tiresome and make me yearn for flip-flop and sundress weather all the more. If it snows on Valentine's Day, it will make the day even less appealing.
Also, in terms of floral arrangements, carnations are the least classy flower you could choose. Carnations are the poor man's rose. Red roses are a little clichéd too. But I guess beggars can't be choosers when it comes to flower receiving. I wouldn't know, of course.
And then there are Necco conversation hearts. I don't care how cute those colored hearts are that say things like "Be Mine," and "Do Me." They're only good in moderation. Consuming an entire bag of them will make you sick. Kind of like the feeling you get when you walk down the CVS aisle starting in January when they put up the Valentine's Day display.
I believe the perfect Valentine's Day gift to be any noncommercial display of affection between loved ones and friends. And though that sounds sickeningly sweet, I did admit to enjoying Frank Sinatra.
Mary's column runs biweekly on Wednesdays. She can be reached at mbaroch@cavalierdaily.com.
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