In celebration of the rumored "E-Week," when engineers have an opportunity to be socially well-adjusted for a week, I've decided to dedicate this article to proofs. Like the mathemagic process I long ago forgot how to do, my proofs will not only unlock the secrets of the free world, they will lead to buried treasure of unparalleled riches.
Theorem: Britney Spears is not capable of making decisions for herself.
Proof:
-- Britney Spears decided to dance semi-naked with a poisonous snake.
-- The snake and the dancing led her directly to K-Fed, who is clearly a stud. And by "clearly a stud," I mean "disgusting and needs to shower."
-- K-Fed and Britney's union leads to a ridiculous marriage, which can be summarized by the sweat suits they wore to the ceremony.
-- After the wedding, the sweat suits come in handy because K-Fed keeps Britney the way any man should keep his woman: pregnant.
-- Britney has babies. She lets them drive and tries to teach them to fly, which would make her the coolest mom ever. Except for the fact that a) babies can't drive and b) babies can't fly.
-- The abundance of babies and breast-feeding drains Britney of her youth and what is left of her common sense. She shaves her head.
-- Britney enters rehab.
-- Therefore, Britney Spears needs to a) pay someone to make these "hard" decisions for her ("Hey, maybe you shouldn't try to throw your baby in the air because gravity plus baby plus concrete equals bad idea.") or b) get a better publicist.
Theorem: Kevin O'Connell needs an Oscar.
Proof:
-- His mother told him to drop the fighting fires and pick up the mixing sounds.
-- Mothers are never wrong.
-- O'Connell has had 18 previous nominations for his sound mixing work, dating back to the 1984 movie "Terms of Endearment."
-- He is Susan Lucci, except he a) does not have breasts and b) probably does not have animal fat injected into his face.
-- Therefore, just give him an Oscar.
Theorem: Abby Robertson should have her own Facebook group.
-- As number 30 on the women's basketball team, she is a force to be reckoned with.
-- Unlike an unnamed member of the men's team who plays the same position, Robertson does not double dribble.
-- She stole the ball on an inbound pass. Then dribbled it. What center does that? An amazing one.
-- I have my own No. 30 shirt and a "Rob the Ball Robertson" sign. That's a pretty catchy phrase I came up with myself.
-- Therefore, Abby Robertson, you deserve your own Facebook group with an equally catchy title. "Rob that Ball Robertson."
Theorem: I am amazing.
Proof:
-- I can't do math. In fact, I was called out the other day for not knowing two times four equals eight. I blamed it on my English major background. My brain just doesn't think that way. Two times four could possibly equal eight, but what does "times" mean? Perhaps it is a post-modern phrase.
-- Who uses math in the real world? When I get rich with my high six-figure salary that I am going to get with my English and government majors, I will buy a calculator to do math for me.
-- I don't have a job, but that is OK. With my dual experience as an English and government major, there are many fields I can enter. I can be a parole officer, for example.
-- I do not need to know math to be a parole officer. Except for me plus taser gun equals great idea.
-- I do need to know English to be a parole officer. I also need to know about the government. "Do you know why you got in trouble? Because you broke the law."
-- Who knows a parole officer? I don't need to know one because I will be one.
-- Therefore, I am amazing.
Winnie's column runs bi-weekly on Thursdays. She can be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
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