I've got a problem: Famous people keep writing me letters and asking for my help. Maybe Scientology can't solve everything after all. I suppose the word got out about the last time my column consisted of me dishing out advice to University celebrities.
This time around, I've not only got some well-known University people, but real live (and dead) celebs too. Enjoy.
Dear Brendan,
Holla back, homeslizzle! How's it going, Chico? I'm doing great. I don't have any problems in life; everything is just peachy. I just thought I'd brighten up your day by sending you a wonderful, kind and friendly letter. You deserve it! Have a great one, sugar!
Happily,
Kathy from Newcomb
Dearest Kathy,
I don't think you really understand how much people love you. Everyone adores you. You're so cheerful and energetic; I'm starting to think you might be addicted to trucker speed pills. Hopefully you're not.
Brendan,
Why do people keep giving me weird looks wherever I go? Is it the fact that I wear shorts year-round, even in Hoth-like conditions? Is it that I only wear First Year Players shirts? Is it my jheri curls? The mustache? What is it?
Curious,
Strange Looking Guy Around Grounds
Dude,
I can't help you. Nobody can.
Dear Brendan,
Greetings from Antigua! Things are nice here. Not Malibu nice, but nice. I was wondering if you could, like, maybe send a wig down here. Or something. Maybe some drugs. That would also be awesome.
Give my love to Sean Preston and whatever my second child's name is.
Sober,
Britney Spears
Brit,
First of all: Nice job showing Kevin Federline the door. Second: Not so good job on the shaved head and tattoos. You've got kids, for crying out loud. Get yourself together. I'd recommend either becoming a scientologist or going back to being backwoods Louisiana white trash. Ball's in your court.
Brendan,
How are you, my good man? You know, each time somebody helps me successfully back my car out of a tight spot at the Capitol, I remember our incredible encounter this past summer*. It is doubtful that you'll ever truly comprehend my gratitude. As payment, I'd be honored if you'd join my campaign and be my vice presidential candidate. Together, we're 75 percent white, 25 percent black, and 100 percent American.
Sincerely,
Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.)
Senator,
I'm flattered. Of course I'll do it.
Brendan,
Finally! It only took me 35 years and a dozen classic films to finally get my Oscar. Explain to me why Sylvester Stallone got the award when "Rocky" won best original screenplay, beating out my classic "Taxi Driver?" Of course, Sly later went on to star in such cinematic gems as "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!" and "Over the Top," where he has to join the professional arm-wrestling circuit to win back the love of his estranged son.
Furious,
Martin Scorsese
Mr. Scorsese,
The Oscars suck. No two ways about it. Just remember: You've won the Academy Award of my heart for making "Camp Nowhere." Wait ... you didn't make that movie! Please stop writing to me.
Dear Brandon,
Being dead is, like, so cool. I went out in a blaze of glory like a worthless Marilyn Monroe. I'm not sure exactly how I'm able to send you a letter from the fourth circle of hell, which is reserved just for me thanks to "The Anna Nicole Show." I think some of the local harpies occasionally deliver mail to the real world, so you'll probably get this letter soon.
On fire,
Anna Nicole Smith
Dear Anna,
Looks like those millions of dollars didn't do you much good, now did it? This should teach you a valuable lesson. Well, it would've been a good lesson if you didn't O.D. on something and croak. I'm glad that everything is well with you down where Beelzebub and Hitler call home. Good luck in the future. Tell John Ritter I said hi.
That about does it. Hopefully nobody else writes to me -- my advice keg is just about empty. Enjoy the week, everybody.
*[Editor's note: Brendan claims to have aided Obama in such a fashion. It probably never happened.]
Brendan's column runs alternating Mondays. He can be reached at collins@cavalierdaily.com.
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