I'd like to begin with a brief message to a childhood friend, Ricky Guenette. Ricky, the following refers to an argument we had April 27, 1993. What I would like to say to you is there's no such thing as "infinity plus one." At the time you uttered this phrase, I was simply dumbfounded and unable to respond. Only now do I feel confident enough in my comprehension of theoretical limits to resume our debate. The fact is, Ricky, that I hate you the most, because nothing is greater than infinity, and that's how much I hate you. Of course, all of this refers to the past. I don't hate you anymore. If you say you still hate me, however, I swear I will tell on you again.
Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I should move on to more pressing things, such as this pun: When Tiki Barber meets up with his brother, he should be legally obligated to refer to the get-together as a "Ronde-vous."
I think the time is ripe for the discontinued soft drink SURGE (capitalization is a must) to make its comeback as the official fully loaded citrus soda of the U.S. troop surge in Iraq. Imagine the cross-promotional possibilities. By the way, in researching this (yes, I do research), I discovered an extensive Web site called SaveSURGE.org. The group that runs it has been lobbying for the return of SURGE continuously for five years. Forget about the war in Iraq; this country was doomed a long time ago. Seriously, though, congratulations to Cody Hauri on his recent induction into "The SURGE Lovers' Hall of FAME" -- Cody, your "unparalleled dedication to SURGE" reminds our troops in combat of exactly what they're fighting for.
According to yesterday's Cavalier Daily, University researchers are currently developing a contraceptive drug to be taken by men. According to one scientist who has been working on the project, "Combining the androgen and progestagen hormones was the easy part. Now we need to figure out how to slip these pills into Kevin Federline's Froot Loops."
Apparently there is a Thomas Jefferson University in Philadelphia. That's an interesting name. It almost makes it sound as if the school was founded by or is somehow directly connected to Thomas Jefferson. Of course, there must be some mistake. Everyone knows Thomas Jefferson founded the University of Virginia. It's inscribed on his tombstone. The man dedicated virtually his whole retirement to founding U.Va. So how could he possibly have opened another university in Philly?
He didn't. Listen, Thomas Jefferson University, you better give us our founder's name back right now. First of all, yours is essentially a medical school with no liberal arts program to speak of. Was it not our dear T.J. who said, "I cannot live without books"? I'm not really sure how that quote applies in this context, but roughly translated, it means go find yourself a new name.
Dear Phil,
The treasure hunt was an absolute disaster, but there was nothing we could do. I mean, I guess we could have gotten rid of some of the mandatory finds, such as a living parasite, a box of .12 gauge shotgun shells, "mature" pictures of Vin Diesel and the gypsy with at least one major appendage missing. But hey, these kids are only six years old -- they probably won't remember half the stuff that went down (also because of the massive amounts of alcohol they consumed). And I'm sure a few of them were already seriously emotionally scarred before we ever got to them. Thank you again for your continuing financial support and for your stalwart leadership in this enterprise, as we seek to minimize the fallout from this unprecedented "kid-tastrophe."
Sincerely,
Daniel
Daniel Dooley's column will resume after Student Council elections. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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