I am going to relate to you the following anecdote -- it is heartbreaking, but true. Last weekend I called my family to see how they were doing. The call had a rough start. My sister answered in a strained voice and somehow convinced me that she had cut off part of her toe and couldn't get in touch with my parents for a ride to the hospital. She laughed cruelly at what she called my gullibility -- I prefer to call it my kindness and caring heart.
After this degrading treatment, my sister proceeded to ask each of my parents if they wanted to speak to me. I heard, in turn, each of them say in the background, "Tell her I'm busy." Now, I would have been less crushed if their responses to speaking with their daughter who lives thousands of miles away was simply, "I am busy;" however, the "tell her" attached to the front, implying that they weren't really all that busy, broke my little heart.
I was close to calling this phone call scarring; however, I remembered that I myself am guilty of some pretty lame, outrageous or even hurtful excuses for why I cannot talk on the phone. The key is to make sure you fit your excuse to the caller, and then everyone ends up happy. If my parents had instead said, "Tell her we are paying bills," I would have quickly hung up the phone.
Today I picked up my phone when my sister called. I was not harboring particularly hard feelings from her former mistreatment of me. I just had to finish a 300-page novel by the next day and didn't have much time for chitchat. Soon I was crunching on an apple, hoping to get the hint across. She hung up on me, so I guess it worked.
Basically, picking up the phone when you don't want to talk is painful on both ends. You don't enjoy the conversation, and it sparks ill will between you and your phoneular companion. So, I have come up with some excuses for when you pick up the phone and realize it was not the best decision.
The first one is that you suddenly noticed your toe fell off and your foot is bleeding profusely. This may only work on people like me, and it might worry your mother a bit, so choose your audience wisely.
Another excuse could be that you saw a bird fly into your neighbor's window and you need to go see if it is OK. This will make the caller admire your caring nature.
If you are on the phone with someone who you happen to admire in perhaps a romantic way, and you find yourself needing to use the restroom greatly, honesty is not the key. Instead of saying, "Well, I hate to cut this short but that extra large Coke is catching up with me," say, "Yeah, so my grandmother is on the other line and I think she is either calling about my cancer research project or my Harvard law school acceptance letter. Can I call you back?" This will ensure a second phone call.
If the person on the other end is the one with the romantic interest and you don't reciprocate the feeling, include all the details about why you need to exit the conversation. The "toilet flush" is an end-all for those phone calls of an annoying nature.
The cell phone is especially nice because it provides all sorts of excuses, like "I am losing my signal," or "My battery is dying." When the conversation gets awkward, I am thankful for wireless technology. Do not use, "I think I am going to lose you, I am going through a tunnel." I used to exercise that excuse a lot because it was pretty legit. It backfired on me when I used it at school once and my mom was like "Uh, you don't have a car, and there are no tunnels in Charlottesville."
So, target your audience. Configure your excuses to impress, wound, sound realistic or dissuade a call-back. If you need to, you can make a flow chart. On my wall next to your name I have this: "Yeah, so I need to go write my column now ..."
Maggie's column runs biweekly on Fridays. She can be reached at jones@cavalierdaily.com.
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