Harry Potter: All right, Voldemort, any last words? Voldemort: You haven't seen the last of me, Potter!
[Harry reaches back, ready to cast a death spell. Just before he deals his final blow, Robert Langdon, from "The Da Vinci Code," walks in.]
Langdon: Hey guys! What is up?
Harry Potter: What the... Who the heck are you?
Langdon: Ha! You still have to use words like 'heck' because you're in a children's book.
Harry Potter: Yeah, well at least my book was *meant* to be written at a fifth grade level.
Langdon: ...
Harry Potter: Did I go there? I think I just went there.
Voldemort: You totally just went there! In your face, Dan Brown!
Langdon: Oh jeez, what kind of dialogue is that? Who's writing this crap?
Voldemort: You got served!
Langdon: OK, it's time to stop now. Aren't you two supposed to be enemies?
Harry Potter: Yeah, but who doesn't appreciate a good burn?
[A man with a fancy hat appears.]
Fancy Hat: Did you just say burn? What did you burn? Did you burn all the rum?
Voldemort: It's Captain Jack Sparrow!
Jack Sparrow: Yes, but why is the rum gone?
Harry Potter: Um, there wasn't any rum to begin with.
Jack Sparrow: But why is the rum gone?
[Harry, Voldemort, and Langdon all exchange puzzled looks.]
Langdon: All right, we get it. You're drunk, and you're a pirate. You're a drunk pirate. Don't you have any other personality traits?
[Long silence.]
Jack Sparrow: ... but why is th...
Langdon: That's a no.
Voldemort: Hey, leave him alone. He's Captain Jack Sparrow! The only person cooler than him is...
McDreamy: Did someone order a special delivery from McDreamy's?
Voldemort: Ahh! OMG, I totally love your show!
Harry Potter: You've got to be kidding me.
[Voldemort rips off his shirt, exposing a large tattoo of a heart with the words "McDreamy + Lord Voldemort" inscribed inside.]
Voldemort: Oh, McDreamy, we could be so happy together. I'll even change my name for you. Think of the headlines, "Lord Voldemort-McDreamy Strikes Again!"
McDreamy: Uh, I guess that has a nice ring to it. Honestly, though, I'm not that into hyphenated names. It didn't work out too well for me in my first marriage.
Voldemort [sobbing]: If you really loved me, you'd let me keep my name!
[Voldemort scampers off to the corner, where he continues to sob uncontrollably.]
Harry Potter: Well, this seems to be as good a time as any.
[Harry pulls out his wand and fires a death spell toward Voldemort.]
McDreamy: Nooooo!
[McDreamy dives in front of Harry's death spell, sacrificing his life to save Voldemort's.]
Voldemort: Harry Potter! You'll pay for this!
[Voldemort and Harry begin dueling back and forth with their magic. Robert Langdon and Captain Jack Sparrow, now fearing for their lives, decide to call for help. And in walks Jack Bauer.]
Narrator: The following takes place between 4 p.m. and 5 p.m.
Jack Bauer (screaming for no apparent reason): What's going on here?
[Harry and Voldemort continue fighting. Jack Bauer, tired of being ignored, joins the fracas. Captain Jack Sparrow, being a pirate, finally gives in to his natural urges and starts to fight as well. Robert Langdon runs away, insisting that he's a scholar, not a fighter. The other four stop fighting just to watch him run.]
Jack Bauer: Wow, that guy needs to man up. Maybe some gratuitous torture is in order.
Voldemort: Oh, you're into torturing people, too?
Jack Bauer: Yeah, do you ever have problems getting people to talk?
Voldemort: Nah, I have this torture spell --- it's pretty nice.
Jack Bauer: A spell, eh? I'll have to look into that.
Harry Potter: I'd hate to break up the torture convention here, but could we wrap this up? I need to kill Voldemort and save the wizarding community. You know, put this story to rest once and for all.
Jack Bauer: Hey, we're talking. Now shut up and go sit in a corner and conjure up some rum for old Jack Sparrow over there.
[And Harry does, because no one disobeys Jack Bauer. No one.]
Ed's column runs biweekly on Fridays. He can be reached at edcao@cavalierdaily.com.
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