Every day I seem to lose some of them. I don't know where they go; they just slip through the cracks, never to be seen again, and I'm a little poorer for it. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.
No, I'm not talking about pencils, although I've probably lost enough of those to reconstruct a small forest. Nor am I speaking of those annoying nickels with quotes from Lewis and Clark on them, or the state quarters that boil the entire essence of a state down to one phrase, like "Ohio: Birthplace of Aviation Pioneers." I'm talking about the very essence of life -- minutes and seconds.
It's funny that as people of the 21st century, where "time is money" and we all have too much to do, we howl bloody murder about excessive prices at Crossroads while failing to take notice of those subtle junctures in life where we're robbed of precious time. I only recently started thinking about this -- oddly enough, in the restroom, where all great ideas tend to be born. (The connection to fluid dynamics is painfully obvious.)
I realized that our number one enemy in the battle to take back our lives is the hot water knob at the sink. This shifty little character is impossible to figure out. Sometimes, the hot water comes immediately, but more often than not, one is forced to stand there, waiting for something somewhere to get re-routed and produce the agua caliente.
Meanwhile, one stands patiently in front of the sink, like a guy in high school waiting for his prom date to come downstairs already, occasionally running one's finger under the water. All this time, precious seconds are ticking away, and we don't even take notice. I've probably spent enough time in front of sinks to write a novel.
Time also has a tendency to slip away while I have water on the stove. Of course, we all know that a watched pot never boils, but my own experience has taught me that sometimes an unwatched pot doesn't boil either. And granted, the problem is usually that I've forgotten to actually turn the burner on, but I refuse to take all the blame. Water is just a big time waster in general. Maybe we'd all be better off without water. (If this ever comes true, don't attribute that quote to me.)
I will freely admit that sometimes lost time is completely my own fault. For instance, I suffer terribly from Big Fridge Syndrome. Those huge refrigerators in the Pav or at a 7-Eleven, full of sodas and juices and other kinds of liquid goodness, mystify me like a kaleidoscope or some sort of 3-D artwork. I will simply stand in front of those things for 10 minutes without actually making a decision. Modern convenience my foot. Picking which artificial flavor I want with my unhealthy amount of corn syrup is just too complicated. Generally, I'll just turn around and leave the store in shame without actually buying anything, hoping to quench my thirst by absorbing moisture from the air.
Rigid schedules create all sorts of moments like this. If it's 7:56 p.m. and you are awaiting a TV program beginning at 8 p.m., it's almost impossible to spend those four minutes productively. The same goes for the last few minutes before class begins, if you get there early. Hence, many spend these moments doing those confounded Sudoku puzzles. I, on the other hand, usually brainstorm solutions to the world's greatest problems. Once, I came pretty close to fixing global warming. It involved training teams of whales to blow on the polar ice caps to keep them cool. I just couldn't figure out how to keep the darn things hydrated -- or how to talk to them.
In the end, I doubt it's possible to reengineer our lives to cut out these losses of time. Standing in queues, waiting for library computers to log us in and the like are just things we have to learn to deal with. Hey, nobody ever said civilization didn't have its drawbacks. Be grateful; at least you don't have Life columns to write, which is hard to defend as anything but unproductive activity.
Just kidding. I love you all. Wish me luck -- I'm off to buy a soda.
Matt Waring's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at mwaring@cavalierdaily.com
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