It's spring semester now, meaning that every undergrad at the University has been given at least a few months to put on the "freshman 15." This is also known as the "freshman 50" to the overweight and/or hard-of-hearing population and the "first-year 15" to U.Va. purists. Call it what you want, but many students have put on a few pounds since high school.
With spring weather coming in a month or two, most students would like to be able to wear a t-shirt without having their love handles hang over their hips. While this is too lofty of a goal for most, I do believe that I've found a few fad diets to help people slim down to the point where they can buy only one seat when flying or going to a sporting event. So, put down the Twinkie, and read on.
-- The alcohol diet: From the people who brought you bulimia comes the latest regurgitation sensation to hit college campuses -- the alcohol diet. Instead of sneaking away to the bathroom after meals and puking in shame, make your weight loss scheme part of your social life.
Go out to parties every night within an hour of eating a large meal. Find your tolerance for alcohol, and go past it. You'll literally be spewing away calories each night! Best of all, your friends won't be concerned about your bulimic tendencies, but rather look up to your party heartiness.
-- The grape/fruit diet: No, not the grapefruit diet. The grape/fruit diet has but one rule. You can only eat food if it is either 1) a grape or 2) a fruit. For the purposes of this diet, both tomatoes and avocados can be counted as fruits. For the weak of heart, you can also count anything with vegetable oil or high fructose corn syrup as a fruit. Food that comes in purple packages counts as a grape, too.
-- The fat and sodium diet: Don't ask me how this works, but I have a friend who has stayed thin using this diet for years. When he goes grocery shopping, he checks labels and actually picks his food based on high fat content. When I try to explain to him that this practice is the dietary equivalent to eating butter, he just smiles and nods. I'm afraid the ramen noodles and potato chips are getting to his head.
Brain damaged or not, he certainly knows how to keep the weight off. I don't want to say he's skinny, but when he walks onto a scale, the reading says "Whoopee!" That wasn't funny. I thought I was supposed to be Jewish! Oh, I guess I'm technically only half-Jewish. I should be fired.
-- If you didn't recognize that joke, watch more "Family Guy."
-- The gross-yourself-out diet: To have control over your body, you must first have control over your mind. To do this, find ways to make all of your favorite foods seem disgusting to you in hopes of cutting your appetite.
For example, did you know that fast food and frozen meals commonly contain rodent hair and fecal matter? The government only enforces rules on how much of these nasty substances fast food can contain -- a little bit is just fine. Think of that before you bite into a Hot Pocket or Big Mac next time.
-- The "Obecalp" diet (TM): Using this latest breakthrough medicine in weight control, you can shed those unwanted pounds with ease! Taken once daily, Obecalp produced results in nearly every test subject who tried it. Try this 100 percent natural herbal supplement today!
WARNING: Obecalp may react negatively in the digestive tract if mixed with excessive amounts of lipids or sugars. Please limit your consumption of these foods. Obecalp has been shown to be more effective when taken while the heart rate is elevated, so please exercise for 30 minutes immediately before taking Obecalp may cause fatigue, dry mouth, dizziness, nausea, drowsiness, headaches, sexual difficulties, measles and weight gain.
Now that you're armed with these dieting strategies, you may start your quest for weight loss. Just do me a favor in return -- send me some purple packages of food. I'm sick of eating grapes.
Daniel's columns run biweekly on Wednesdays. He can be reached at mcnally@cavalierdaily.com.
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