Japan's Health Minister Hakuo Yanagisawa joined the ranks of an elite political club Jan. 26, one dominated by Virginia politicians. This club is filled with members who have a certain knack for making politically incorrect statements. Whether it be causing a "macaca" uproar or proving how the Koran is un-American, these politicians basically tell their constituents to get over it. Thankfully, Mr. Yanagisawa insulted a group far more passive, far weaker (physically) and far less intelligent than the average American. Mr. Yanagisawa insulted women.
In a brilliant speech, Mr. Yanagisawa referred to women as "baby-making machines." In short, Japan needs babies. Mr. Yanagisawa, there are better ways to go about solving Japan's decreasing population crisis. Here are a few suggestions:
-- Send your women to America. We work hard to earn our "Mrs." and they will too! And everyone knows once you get married, you start having kids. Otherwise, you're going to hell.
-- "Borrow" babies from China. China has one of the world's largest populations, and that's with a "one-child" policy and generations of all-male children. Imagine what would happen if that policy were lifted? Offer to buy some babies. How hard can it be? China makes and sells everything else in the world.
-- Emphasize that it's a woman's duty to have babies. Men earn money and drive cars. Women fan themselves and have babies.
-- Try to turn it into the latest trend. Instead of little dogs in a bag, put a baby in a bag! Dress it up, dress it down, babies are a must-have accessory. Except if they cry, because that means they are broken. Maybe your government should establish some kind of return policy, or perhaps a product exchange.
-- Put something in the water. Perhaps hormones or fertility drugs. Turn one baby into eight babies! One woman can do the work of eight! Automatically you can multiply your baby population by 10. At least. Maybe even by a hundred or however many babies a woman can have at once.
-- Really, just tell them to have babies. You're a man, they're women. How can they say no? They're as likely to say no to you as Virginia was likely to pass the Marshall-Newman Amendment.
All this talk of babies makes me wish I had one. I want to fly off to some exotic locale and rescue a poor innocent, abandoned orphan, and get a U.S. ambassadorship in the process, à la Angelina. I would also settle for stealing a not-abandoned orphan from his still-very-much-alive father, à la Madonna.
But really, how hard can it be to raise a baby?
Feeding it will be easy: Just attach a bottle to the side of the crib and let the baby feed itself. I've even constructed a prototype based on the water bottle attached to a hamster's cage. It's almost the same thing as nursing. Substitute a rubber nipple for the real thing, tape a picture of my face to the bottle, play a tape of myself talking and ta-da. I just saved a bunch of money on having to pay for a real baby-taker-care-of-er.
I've even got a few classy names picked out. I really like MacGyver. It's a sexy name -- it sounds as if my baby can solve any problem with a paper clip. I also like Tamber. It's a name you don't normally see, but it has a pleasant ring to it. Like tambourine, except better. DINOSAURUS-REX is also a personal favorite. The capital letters give my baby a commanding presence, and the dash makes it seem like a fancy foreign name.
I have a better idea, Mr. Yanagisawa. Use these names as a sample of what I can come up with. Offer them to Japanese women for their babies and I guarantee birth rates will skyrocket. I am so talented.
Oh, try Talent America. That baby is going to be amazing.
Winnie's column runs bi-weekly on Thursdays. She can be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | 4 days agoWhether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | 6 days agoWhat the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
