Once again, we find ourselves in the middle of election season here at the University. Every year, the University Board of Elections helps facilitate student self-governance by holding online elections (www.uvavote.com). Of course, they always fail to remember that just because we're college students and spend half our waking hours online doesn't mean we have five spare minutes to cast ballots. Seriously, I've seen better turnout rates at Ashlee Simpson concerts.
Students with good ideas for change are also encouraged to submit them in the form of referenda. Unfortunately, I don't really feel like gathering all those signatures, and something tells me that these particular referenda wouldn't fly with the UBE anyway. So I've decided to spring them on you, the unsuspecting public.
1) Initiative to improve University-wide personnel flow.
A simple guideline -- always take the sidewalk to the right and step along the right side of the stairs, just as you would if driving. Honestly. I myself violate this from time to time, but I feel pretty bad doing it. And we wonder why we haven't solved the problem of world peace yet; we can't even work together on taking the steps. This referendum would be enforced by placing little kids with safety patrol belts at critical intersections to utter loud "ahems" at any and all violators. There's nothing more shameful than getting tagged by the safety patrol.
2) Initiative to improve University-wide poultry distribution.
The dining halls shall double the frequency at which they serve chicken nuggets. These delectable little morsels are one of the unsung triumphs of Western cuisine. Their illustrious history dates back to the California Gold Rush of 1849, when a hungry miner discovered a nugget of gold and said to himself, "actually, at this point, I'd rather this were made of chicken." This initiative also helps in the fight to cut back on cleaning costs in the dining halls by making silverware unnecessary. (As Mr. Jefferson once wrote, "when in the course of human events it becomes lunchtime, I say, 'Pass the barbecue sauce.'")
3) Initiative to prevent really embarrassing cases of being lost.
The University shall select either Bryan Hall or Bryant Hall and name it something different. Anything at all -- "Fergalicious Hall," perhaps. Would you name your two daughters Catherine and Katherine? Of course not. Well, just because buildings don't have feelings doesn't make this kind of trickiness appropriate. Granted, anyone who thought his or her English class was going to be held in Scott Stadium is probably not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but such mistakes do happen. So on behalf of the easily confused, help us out.
4) Initiative to preserve the cohesion of groups of friends.
Also known as "No Child Left Behind." The University shall do its best to prevent those annoying situations in which you and your two friends are walking and talking -- but the sidewalk is only wide enough for two people. This inevitably means someone will have to lag behind and occasionally pry into the conversation by asking "What?" repeatedly. This is about as much fun as a dirt-eating contest. Obviously, there must be limits to how wide the sidewalks can be made -- six-people wide would be a bit excessive. There can indeed be too much of a good thing. (Unless the good thing is chicken nuggets. See Referendum 2.)
5) Initiative to improve student sleep hygiene
University students shall prohibit making noise, studying, speaking and engaging in all other useful activities in the McGregor Room. It is time for us as an academic community to acknowledge that no one actually uses this room for anything other than sleeping. It's too dark, too peaceful and the chairs are too freaking comfy. If you use your imagination, it's as if you've been out of college for 20 years and are relaxing in your own private English country house. (Of course, it then becomes even more painful when you wake up and realize you need a shower.)
If these proposals generate sufficient student interest, I'll hold an interest meeting to talk about actually gathering the necessary signatures next year. The tentative location for this meeting is 118 Fergalicious Hall. Thanks for reading, and in all seriousness, do vote this week. A chicken deficiency might kill you, but responsibility won't.
Matt's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at waring@cavalierdaily.com
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