Where do you wear your pants? This is not a trivial question. If I asked this question 20 years ago, you might answer, "Above my belly button," and then turn up the Dire Straits tape playing in your Walkman. The waistline in the '80s was certainly at the Steve Urkel level -- much too high.
I have noticed that although today the accepted waistline on pants is quite low, many people seem stuck in the "above-the-belly-button" era. Women in particular have this problem. I don't know whether it is because women have been wearing pants for much less time then men and are not quite accustomed to the changing trends, but it seems as if for every 10 years a woman is over 20 years old, one inch can be subtracted from the difference between the belly button and the pants' button.
Men have receding hairlines, so I guess it is only fair that women have upward creeping waistlines.
I admit that sometimes I am an offender myself of this high waistline trick. Often after a long run my running companion will point out, "Hey, your shorts rode up to your belly button." I laugh and blame it on slippery hips --- but really that elastic was strategically placed to keep my fat roll flat. OK, way too much information there.
Waistlines that are too low can also be attacked. With pants today being named "ultra low rise," problems are bound to arise. If the pants are too low, often the backside of the wearer does not quite fit inside the allotted space (to be discreet). To be blunt: Please buy just regular "low rise" or wear a longer shirt, girls, because no one wants to see that.
Jasmine from Aladdin wears her pants a little too low. If she wasn't a cartoon, I might call her trashy.
Guys also wear their pants too low. My dad likes to call these pants "droopy drawers." Probably you don't care what my dad calls them, but this is my column --- so there! It seems as if, unlike the female offenders, these guys want to show their underwear. Well, if you think you look cool with a belt around your knees restricting your movement to three-inch steps, that is fine with me --- just don't expect me to want to take you home to Mom and Dad.
OK, now on to something entirely different.
I think our generation should bring back the wig. Not just for Halloween and cross dressing, but for everyday fashionable use as well.
This idea came to me in my English class the other day. My professor was giving a very interesting lecture about how wigs showed social status as well as covered up for lack of hygiene in the 17th and 18th centuries. I then remembered that, to keep up with my own hygiene, I had to wake up a whole 15 minutes earlier this morning to shower and dry my hair. It struck me that if we could bring back the wig, I wouldn't have to shower as much and therefore would get 15 more minutes of sleep each night. Over the course of a year, that is a lot more sleep.
To market this idea to the public, I tried to make a list of the benefits that wearing a wig would bring. First of all, you wouldn't have to worry about any permanent hair mistakes. No bad haircut would have to go uncovered. Also, as a girl, I realized that a purchase of a "dress wig" would save me money in the long run because I wouldn't have to pay for hairdos for every future fancy occasion.
I also thought that wigs could be used as storage devices. What, you can't fit your lunch in your bag? Wear your tallest wig and the problem is solved.
Finally, wigs could serve as safety equipment. Just think, if you wore a wig, you might not have to wear a helmet (which can be extremely dorky). If you got hit by a car and landed on your head, you would have the nice padding of the wig to save you.
Now, you think I am kidding about this wig idea -- but no, I am sincere. Take a look at Dolly Parton. That hair is certainly not all real (the same goes for some of her other parts). Cher is another person who wears a false hairpiece, and if we could all look as good as Cher, the world would be a groovier place.
OK, to summarize: Wigs are cool and high waistlines are not.
Maggie's column runs biweekly on Fridays. She can be reached at jones@cavalierdaily.com.
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