Nineteen." "Hit me." "20." "Hit me." "21." "Hit me." "22." "Doh!" If this sounds like you at a blackjack table, then you are one of the many Americans in need of a gambling refresher course. Not only is gambling a fun and truly American pastime, but if you follow my advice in this column, you can also use it to make a nice profit.
To most gamblers' chagrin, the current legal state of gambling in the U.S. is bleak -- most states have anti-gambling laws of some kind. Last September, sleazy politicians in Washington passed a bill that outlaws online gambling by attaching it to an important bill regarding port security that is completely unrelated to gambling. So much for me having faith in democracy.
Still, Las Vegas will always be a safe haven for American gamblers. Where else can you find casinos that give you free drinks and hotel rooms for throwing some money around and having a good time? Vegas does have its drawbacks, though. You've probably heard of the slogan, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." If you're like most tourists, the entire contents of your wallet and checking account will stay in Vegas, too.
What most people don't know is that there are surefire ways to win money on a trip to Vegas by using certain secrets of the trade. One of these can be used at the blackjack tables by doing what gambling pros refer to as "counting cards." I'm not sure exactly how this works, but you gain an edge if you keep a mental count of how many cards have been dealt. Last time I tried this, unfortunately, I went broke after I got to 352 cards. I guess you don't start seeing a profit until 1,000 cards or so.
An even better trick can be performed at the roulette table. All you need is $1,048,575 and the phone number for a local gambling support group. Start by betting $1 on black. If you lose, bet $2 on black. Lose once more and you must double your bet again. Continue this pattern until you've won a spin and then return to betting $1. All you need to do is land on black once in 20 tries to recoup all losses and keep a $1 profit! Don't forget, the phone number for the gambling support group is there to stop you from jumping off a tall building in case you manage to lose 20 times in a row.
Virginia unfortunately is not home to much legal gambling. In fact, it is a crime to place a wager on any event whose outcome is uncertain, with few exceptions. The law explicitly states that bingo, raffles and duck races are all perfectly legal forms of gambling if conducted by an approved organization. Goose races, on the other hand, are punishable by life in prison or even death if any of the geese weigh in excess of 15 pounds. The most significant exception to the anti-gambling law and biggest form of state-sponsored hypocrisy, however, is the lottery.
Speaking of which -- don't buy lottery tickets. Not only are you throwing your money away, but you are building up really bad karma. You see, the chances of being struck by lightning in any given year are about one in 500,000. On the other hand, the chances of a ticket winning the Mega Millions lottery are worse than one in 175,000,000. Do the math, and you'll find that you'll have to be struck by lightning 350 times before you hit the jackpot. After tax, that's probably like 500 lightning strikes. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be poor than electrocuted.
The best non-fowl-related form of gambling that is legal in Virginia is the informal home game of poker. You can sit around a kitchen table and have a good time with your friends while making a fortune off their incompetence. Winning is not quite as easy as it seems, which is why I'm here to give you a few pointers on how to take big pots off your friends.
The biggest weakness of any poker player is his "tell." This can be a facial tick, a look in a certain direction or anything else one does when he has good cards. To prevent yourself from getting noticed, you should immediately freeze up when you get good cards. Stop talking, look straight ahead, sit up straight and whisper "all in" while quickly shoving your chips into the pot. Nobody will notice you've got a big hand until it's too late!
Now that you're armed with the knowledge of how to beat the house and your friends, it's time to take your hard-earned savings and start wagering them. Just remember to have the number for Gambler's Anonymous on hand in case it all goes wrong.
Dan's column runs biweekly on Wednesdays. He can be reached at mcnally@cavalierdaily.com.
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