With my inevitable departure from college life fast approaching, I'm running out of time to send out all the thank-you notes I've accumulated over the past four years. Rather than waste time and money trying to send out classy cards before I graduate, I've compiled all the notes for a single publication, as follows:
Dear Paula Deen,
I want to thank you for helping me save money. I watched one of your cooking shows and you fried a hot dog in a pan of butter. The ratio you used was one stick of butter per hot dog. The caloric intake of that one hot dog allowed me to live off my body fat for the next two weeks. Thank you. I also enjoyed the episode where you made bread pudding from two dozen Krispy Kreme donuts. That was also a delicious meal I ate all in one sitting.
Dear Student Health,
Thank you for letting me see a real doctor. I am sorry I caused a scene in the waiting room. I am also sorry I scared people by telling them I had bird flu. I wish I knew it was just gas. Then maybe I wouldn't have eaten that Krispy Kreme bread pudding.
Dear doctor,
Thank you for being so patient while I asked a thousand questions. I just wanted to make sure bird flu couldn't be spread through animals that I had been in contact with, like dogs and dinosaurs. Also, thank you for giving me a real diagnosis and not flipping a coin like Student Health usually does. Getting heads gives you herpes.
Dear man in the amphitheatre,
Thank you for teaching me it is OK to preach my beliefs and force them on others. God created dogs and dinosaurs and women for the same purpose: to serve Mankind. I have learned my lesson. Thank you for also opening my eyes to love. I love my female friends, but not the same way I love my male friends. Virginia is for lovers. Straight, white, rich male lovers, as long as they don't love each other.
Dear Virginia,
Thank you for making me proud to be a Virginian. I especially enjoy when our politicians make fun of people who are different, either because of skin color or religious practice.
Dear Brown College,
Thank you for showing me that it's OK to be different. Especially the guy with no pants. I thought you were so cool and confident that you could walk around semi-naked while doing your laundry. Turns out you just didn't have pants. You didn't even really live in Brown. Nonetheless, thanks.
Dear girls from first-year dorms,
Thank you for not touching my laundry. I know I moved your clothes out of the dryer, but I want you to know I never touched your unmentionables. I was scared of where they'd been/what they'd touched so I went and got a stick from the quad to move your clothes. I'm glad you understand. Also, sorry some of your clothes dropped on the floor. And sorry I stepped on them and maybe tore some. And I'm also sorry I stopped the dryer before the load was done. Oh, and finally, sorry for pretending I didn't speak any English.
Dear Lawn room resident,
Thank you for letting me start that fire in your room with those sticks I found on the Lawn. Thank you for also letting a stranger play with matches near your bed. It really taught me to appreciate U.Va.'s community of trust. I am sorry I broke your chair and I am also sorry about burning that hole in your pillow. I am also sorry I dropped your student ID in the toilet while I was secretly using the special Lawn resident bathroom.
Dear U.Va.'s community of trust,
Thank you for teaching me the value of honesty and for showing me how using sarcasm on the inept is like clapping with no hands.
Dear guy in my film class who thought "Rear Window" was a porno film directed by infamous adult film expert Hitchacock,
Thank you for teaching me what inept is. The fact that you passed the third grade fills me with hope. If you can succeed in life, I can too!
Winnie's column runs weekly on alternating Thursdays and Mondays. She can be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
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