About three weeks into what I have recently dubbed "the greatest college month of them all," I have realized that March is, by far, the greatest college month of them all. I suppose you could have inferred that realization from March's new nickname, but when it comes to getting a point this important across, it doesn't hurt to be thorough.
You may be asking yourself, "What does this fool mean when he refers to a 'college month'?" That is a fine question, one I would have asked myself. When I say college month, I am referring to a 28-, 30- or 31-day period where school is in session for the greater proportion of the time. This excludes the summer months, January and my overall favorite month, December, due to the lengthy vacations that give these break-enhanced months an unfair advantage over the weaker, sadder, slightly balding college months. Now that we all have a profound understanding of my monthly differentiation system, I will share with you the two reasons why March is so incredible.
First of all, March contains the quintessential rite of passage for the debauched college student: Spring Break. Secondly, March is the home of the NCAA tournament, arguably the greatest sporting event in the world.
I know Spring Break ended more than a week ago, but stick with me here -- I think it'll be worth it. Have you ever been on one of those vacations where you get home and just dump every article of clothing you brought directly into the washing machine or, if handy, a boiling pot of water a la Ace Ventura? After a normal vacation you get home and sort between clean and dirty clothing, utterly willing to make actual physical contact with what's in your suitcase. My break was a week in Las Vegas, the latter part of which was spent in a hotel my friends and I lovingly dubbed the "Poopicana." When I got home I viewed my clean clothes as "dirty by association." They were the getaway drivers in the grime-fest that was my vacation. They weren't in the bank and they weren't actually committing the crime, but they were just as guilty as the guys holding up the tellers. The getaway driver is "guilty by association" -- my clothes were "dirty by association." Didn't wear them, didn't matter.
Las Vegas is a great Spring Break destination, though. As long as you have no regard for sleep, money, your physical well-being or your eternal soul, I would highly recommend taking a trip.
On to why March is such an awesome month, part deux. I'm pretty sure the NCAA tournament could propel a bottom-feeding month like September or May into best month territory. I could go on and on about the athletic merit of March Madness, but instead, I'm going back to the bread-and-butter of my writing career: commercials. When it all started two years ago, I kicked things off with a stirring critique of Darius Rucker's appearance in Burger King's "Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch" commercial. Now, two years later and still as pointless and irreverent as ever, my new target is the Goodyear tire company and their gross misuse of their blimp. If you've watched any of the NCAA tournament, there's a pretty good chance you've seen the three commercials they have been showing about 10 times.
Goodyear's latest commercial features a couple of pilots in the Goodyear blimp, hovering over a neighborhood and doing a play-by-play of some Joe Schmoe getting into his car during a snowstorm. First of all, I understand we are currently in a time of year where open-air stadium events are scarce. Commissioning a helium-filled, 200,000 cubic foot monstrosity just to check out some guy getting into his car, however, is completely out of line. The worst part is the utter lack of concern for public safety displayed by Goodyear. Underneath the hovering blimp are a few children having a snowball fight. The commercial ends with a snowball hitting the windshield of the blimp. You mean to tell me that this aircraft is hovering over a residential neighborhood, in a swirling snowstorm, at an altitude low enough for a small child to hit the windshield with a snowball? How are people not more upset about this? I guess I'm just a sensitive guy.
Enjoy the rest of the month -- we all know what a bummer April is.
Eric's column runs biweekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at ast@cavalierdaily.com.
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