When you arrived at college, you didn't even know how to bal-ance a checkbook. In fact, you were fairly certain "checkbook" was just an alternative name for Facebook. That's how utterly dependent you were on your parents or legal guardian for financial security. But look at you now. You may still be dependent on others, you may be spending more money than ever, you may be hopelessly unemployed and addicted to online gambling, but at least you are a borderline alcoholic.
Obviously, those are all bad things and you're in desperate shape. You even managed to lose your checkbook while water-skiing on your ASB trip to the "poor part" of Barbados. And if the tragic demise of Anna Nicole Smith has taught us anything, it's that water-skiing and bookkeeping don't mix. Or maybe it's that Slim-Fast and chloral hydrate don't mix.
You think you can just coast -- is that it? Or perhaps you'd prefer to drink and water-ski your way through life? You say you've got a plan all figured out. You're going to inherit the family fortune, score big with some junk bonds, avoid making any donations to the Alumni Association and die happy. Well, I've got some news for you, buddy: You can't escape the Alumni Association. The Alumni Association owns your soul. Remember the First-Year Food Fest? That night, when you took your first bite of delicious pork loin -- that was you signing the contract.
I'll tell you what's not nearly as
delicious as school-catered pork loin:
insurmountable debt. And that's exactly
what you'll be facing if you don't get
your fiscal act together. I know right
now at least one of you is thinking,
"I'm in the Comm. School, for goodness'
sake. I know way more about managing
debts and expenses than this clown
does." First of all, Prof. Wilkie, I'm
flattered to have you on board as a
reader. That sort of name-calling,
however, is not very productive.
Even as I write this sentence, property values in first-year dorms are plummeting. Do you realize what that means for students? Basically, it's bad ... at least, I think it's bad ... wait, is that bad? Whatever. The point is, students need my help with their monetary issues, and I've never been one to disregard a student in need -- which is probably why I didn't cut it as a UTS bus driver.
Listen up, kiddos. The first rule of a free market economy is "Rip off he who rips off ye." It's not exactly grammatically correct, but it rhymes and sounds quasi-Biblical. Plus, the extra second it takes for someone to comprehend this slightly awkward idiom is one more second for you to steal that someone's wallet and thus augment that all-important measure of your wealth, namely your capital. Did all that sound convoluted? Not to me -- I was using the time to pick your wallet. Upset? It's called autonomy -- deal with it.
If you take full advantage of the above rule, you should never have to pay a single dime in tuition. The University abounds in scholarships and financial aid opportunities and guarantees it will meet 100 percent of demonstrated need, so all you have to do is start demonstrating. Show up to President Casteen's office wearing nothing but a potato sack around your waist. On second thought, in that garb you may be indistinguishable from the Living Wage protesters already camped there, so try Carruthers Hall instead.
To be a truly responsible adult, you have to be a truly savvy consumer. This applies to all people, regardless of present financial status. For example, just because Chamillionaire has a chamillion dollars in the bank doesn't mean he lets himself pay retail for grill replacements. Neither should you. Also, start keeping track of every single dollar you carry around. In the accounting world, "a buttload" is not considered a finite amount, so you'll have to get more specific in the future.
My final suggestion concerns the whole student body. I think we can all agree that it doesn't make any sense for thousands of University students to buy individual, limited meal plans when we could all be splitting the cost of a single, unlimited plan that would never be exhausted. I call dibs on the Plus Dollars, though. It's what Anna Nicole Smith would have wanted.
Dan's column runs weekly on Wednesdays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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