SINGLES ARE discriminated against in this country. They are stereotyped, left out and coerced by an unhealthy culture that longs for lifelong, fairy tale marriages. Or at least some say.
Last week the Studies in Women and Gender department, along with several other cosponsors, hosted psychologist Bella DePaulo to talk about her book "Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After." With a considerable volume of sociological data, DePaulo sketched out her vision of "singlism" and "matrimania."
In case you are scratching your head about this new vocabulary, let me sum up her long but uncomplicated argument.The world has changed; marriage is no longer either socially or financially necessary. As a result, popular culture and individuals should catch up with present realities and drop the endless social pressure lauding marriage and making single people feel left out.
DePaulo launched into a statistically bloated diatribe against marriage as we know it. She attributed matrimania to Americans' collective insecurity. The picture of marriage, but apparently not the practice, makes Americans feel safe, warm and loved. The problem with her argument was not so much that DePaulo highlighted the negative stereotypes against singles in this country; rather to justify singlehood she laughed at and derided marriage as a quaint and outdated institution.
The popularity of television shows such as "The Bachelor" and magazines such as Modern Bride all point to a culture that lusts for the picture perfect wedding and love story. Too bad, then, that this is a fictional and shallow pursuit.
Sitting in her lecture, I had to admit, DePaulo has a point. If marriage is simply a socially constructed institution that we need less than ever, holds only shallow emotional significance and eventually brings unhappiness to most, then we should, as rational beings, choose the single life. Unfortunately, her picture of marriage was full of half-truths.
Of course we think we need marriage less. The past 50 years of progressive social development have brainwashed Americans into believing that autonomy, comfort and happiness are the highest attainable goods. DePaulo fell in line with this popular lie and failed to question whether or not the independent, utterly autonomous direction in which Americans have moved is truly good.
Humans start out completely dependent on others, namely their parents, and never truly lose the need for attachment. A person who can live without attachment is either sub- or superhuman, but all the same decidedly inhuman. Marriage, then, serves a crucial role in developing familial and social attachments. Because of our basic social nature which develops most effectively through marriage, we need a healthy understanding of marriage, not derision of it.
Additionally, a healthy marriage serves a vital role in human growth. By learning to provide for people other than themselves, humans will mature. This isn't to say that all single people are immature, lonely or underdeveloped. Rather, a healthy marriage facilitates an unmatched degree of growth.
In a culture infused with selfish materialism, many Americans do not have the sense of sacrifice and duty necessary to sustain a healthy marriage life. And yet, University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite reported in 2005, "Recent findings indicate that two-thirds of all unhappy marriages are repaired within five years." She implicitly demonstrates that with time and patience it is possible to build a healthy marriage. Divorce is not an exit strategy for momentary unhappiness.
Family units, comprised of committed parents who both love each other and their children are the building blocks of a healthy childhood. Even after the romantic spark has dimmed, children still fundamentally need their parents' commitment and self sacrifice for proper development. As author Elizabeth Marquardt recently detailed in her book "Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce," "Four out of 10 children of divorce say they 'generally felt emotionally safe' as a child, compared to almost 8 out of 10 children in intact families." Admittedly, there are many success stories of single or step-parenthood, and miraculously mine is one of them. But if there is a choice, child rearing by married, committed parents will always win out.
In general, remaining single, while a legitimate alternative, cannot match the mature and mutual love found in the best examples of lifelong marriage. So yes, extinguish the fake ever-after picture that rarely materializes in reality. In its place, realize that, just like life, marriage is not always easy nor at all times blissful. Yet marriage too houses great rewards for children and for the self.
Christa Byker's column appears Tuesdays in The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at cbyker@cavalierdaily.com.
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