Wooo! Spring Break! As a young person, this is the highlight of my life: hitting the beach, drinking some brews and making time with the ladies. But because this is my last year of college, there is some added pressure. This is my last chance to get pandered to by giant corporations and be a part of the coolest demographic. So after 21 years of television and movies to prepare me, I am going to make this the best Spring Break ever.
The first step is to pick a locale. Sure there is always Cancun, South Beach or some such place, but they have all been played out by MTV, VH1 and Fox News. To have a truly wild break, I need to anticipate the next great party place. That is why I am going to the Galapagos Islands. There are plenty of beaches, awesome rays and all the female bio grad students I can seduce. My pick-up line for the week: "Hey Baby. How'd you like to produce a statistically significant sampling of offspring in an attempt to produce a sustained beneficial mutation?" It works every time.
Now that I know where I am going, I need to know who I am going with. The "American Pie" franchise suggests taking a cool kid, a nerd and a crazy guy in order to maximize the potential for zaniness on a trip. Unfortunately, working at The Cavalier Daily has limited my contacts to mostly the nerdy and sleepy, but I guess they will have to do.
But how am I going to get to my totally radical Spring Break? After all, the films "Road Trip" and "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" demonstrate the journey is often more important than the destination. (Note: This was also demonstrated in "Homeward Bound: the Incredible Journey," but with negligible human nudity.) If we travel by car, there is the possibility of picking up a hooker who is actually a dude, with hilarious results. On the other hand, if we take a plane, there can be a laugh-out-loud "mile-high club" scene, but with drugs instead of sex. Also, sex. It is a tough decision, but seeing as how the only way to get to the Galapagos is by raft, I suppose it is moot.
So now me and my bro-hams are sitting on the beach drinking Natural Lite out of coconuts, and partying our darnedest. Now what? Spring Break is about more than young people frantically trying to mate with people they barely know. It's about young people frantically trying to mate with people they barely know while an adult tries to ruin their good time. So here's what I think could happen: We're staying at this hotel, but I accidentally kill the owner's rare pet sea turtle. So he kicks me out, and my friends have to sneak me around by pretending I'm a dead body. It's kind of like "Weekend at Bernie's" but backward.
And what awesomely contrived Spring Break would be complete without an equally contrived love story. I haven't quite hammered out the details on this one yet. All I know is that the two of us will be kept apart by some superficial difference. Maybe she's rich and I'm poor. Or maybe she uses Macs instead of PCs. Or maybe she loves to hang 10 but I can only hang seven so far. It doesn't matter though. All that matters is that we overcome our differences and get together in the end -- just in time for the talent show/luau.
I only have a few days left to prepare, so I've ratcheted up the viewing of appropriate movies and TV. Before I started watching things like Laguna Beach, and Super Sweet 16, I never realized how sad and empty my life was. I'd been trying to fill this hole in my life with trivial things like school and friends, when I should have been have been filling it with hot teen sexcapades and drunken animal mischief. Best Week Ever taught me that no matter how good a week I think I have, richer prettier people always have better weeks. And American Pie 4 taught me that if I can get one movie made based off this stupid idea, I can coast on it for the next 15 years and get rich. I guess maybe I am growing up after all.
John McNamee's column runs bi-weekly on Thursdays. He can be reached at mcnamee@cavalierdaily.com
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