Alumnus Frank Batten recently gave a $100 million donation to our fine University to establish a school of "leadership and public policy." Let me be the first to say... we don't want a school of leadership and public policy. This University has produced presidents, CEOs, artists and Larry Sabato all without the help of a school of leadership and public policy. So thanks, Mr. Batten, but no thanks.
Don't get me wrong -- we want the money. We just don't want the school. There are plenty of other things that we can put that $100 million towards, and these are things that actually matter!
For instance, Al Groh doesn't get paid enough. Every idiot and his cousin knows that the quality of a sports team is a function of how much money is needlessly poured into it, primarily straight into its head coach's bank account. This past year we finished 5-7 in regular games and 4-4 in the ACC. By my calculations, it should only take us $50 million to improve that stat to 6-6 (with the lion's share of both figures funding Mr. Groh's yacht and commemorative plate collection).
With a few more investors of Mr. Batten's caliber we could be well on our way to actually getting a mention on ESPN and (dare I say?) respect in the college sports community. Lord knows I didn't come to this school for the education.
Another thing that could benefit from Mr. Batten's millions is my bedroom. My bedroom is decidedly lacking in both cleanliness and awesomeness. $100 million could fix both those problems by subsidizing the service of a few maids and stacking some plasma TV's on top of each other. I'm environmentally conscious, so let's rip up the tile and lay some grass down instead. Actually, I'm going to need my roommate's space too, so go ahead and knock down his wall and install a fountain that uses Surge instead of water right where his bed is. We could call it the Batten-Russell Room of Irrational Exuberance -- ladies drink free from 9-11 p.m.
Transportation on Grounds is good, but it could be great. Buses, instead of being equipped with a resident emo kid and mini-iPod speakers, could be driven by supermodels or robots or even robot supermodels (just like the real thing, without all thedaddy issues). Seats could be bean bag chairs, each with its own 12-subwoofer set-up. But hey, let's get crazy -- we don't even need to ride from the AFC to first-year dorms (an ironic trip, to be sure, but I've seen people do it) in buses; $100 million could buy a fleet of those hoverboards from "Back to the Future Part II." Just remember -- don't go over water with it or bullies will catch you.
While I'm not privy to the specific budgeting process of President Casteen, I assume that he spends a lot of money to attract good speakers to the University. The problem is that I can't think of a single one off the top of my head. That's because, again, the speakers are good, but they could be great. People even I, with head trauma and short-term memory loss, can remember. I'm talking about people like MacGyver, Jackie Chan, Chuck Norris -- you know, real badasses.
Musical acts could be upgraded as well. Ben Folds was good back when I was in middle school, Dave Matthews was good back when he could sing and the Rolling Stones were good back before I was born. I want hip, new bands with real talent. I'm talking about quality artists that speak deeper truths about our generation, like Chamillionaire and Fat Joe. Seriously, who hasn't ridden dirty or rained on hos, whatever those things mean? Bottom line: The musical acts need a $100 million upgrade.
So I get that maybe Mr. Batten would like to see at least some of his money spent on educational purposes. He'll also probably want his name on a bunch of stuff. I guess the only way to accomplish both of those goals is to make another school. But most definitely not a school of leadership and public policy. More like a school of racing, or miming. The premiere racing and mime institutions are smattered along the West Coast, out of reach of the aspiring Virginian rednecks who like to drive dangerously fast and the weird kids who think they're stuck in boxes. It doesn't even have to be two schools -- The Batten School of Racing and Miming. It's got a ring to it, for sure (sounds like $100 million, right?).
Listen, I'm a government major and I still don't want a public policy school. And I bet that if you polled kids on Grounds as to whether they wanted a public policy school or a hoverboard, they'd take to the skies every time. Think about it, Batten.
Jim's column runs biweekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at russell@cavalierdaily.com.
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