If the skies opened up and someone dropped $115 million dollars into my lap, I could think of 115 million different ways to spend it. The one thing I would have never thought of, even with my English major background, is building Dickens World.
Charles Dickens started rolling in his grave the moment plans for a theme park based on the author's works were first laid down. Dickens World is currently being built in the naval dockyard where Charles Dickens' father used to work. Attractions include Fagin's den playground and a recreation of Newgate Prison. The complex is supposed to be "a dark, dirty and dank London" with characters from Dickens novels walking around vis-a-vis Goofy and Pluto at Disney World. This sounds like a really family friendly place.
Instead of going to Beach Week this year, I'm going on an adventure to Dickens World! I want to explore a dank and smelly London. I also want to be terrorized by pickpockets, thieves, murderers and ghosts. Perhaps I will even get lucky and end up caned by one of the Dickens characters! This sounds so much more exciting than laying out in the sun, getting beautiful. But you know what would be an even better trip than Dickens World? Stalin World.
Stalin World, or Grutas Park, as it's officially known, is a sprawling facility in Lithuania. The facility, part amusement park and part museum, is supposed to mimic a Soviet prison camp. Stalin World is surrounded by barbed wire, guard towers, and filled with statues of Lenin, Stalin and other fabulous communist superheroes. Stalin World, however, also has its own characters to interact with visitors. Occasionally, special guests are greeted at the gates by Stalin, while Lenin invites them to go fishing, and they all drink vodka and eat cold borscht soup from tin bowls together. Guests are also privy to fun collectible posters reading, "There's No Happier Youth in the World Than Soviet Youth!" As creator Viliumas Malinauskas so poetically puts it, "It combines the charms of Disneyland with the worst of the Soviet gulag prison camp."
But really, why sacrifice warm weather? I want to go on a theme park adventure and I also want to go to Beach Week. Caminata Nocturna, or Night Hike, lets me combine two in one! The town of El Alberto is nestled in the Hidalgo mountains of Mexico. Seven hundred miles from the U.S.-Mexico border, this park run by the El Alberto community gives you the experience of migrant crossing, and for just $18. The Night Hike is a five-hour adventure that takes guests on an "adventure" that ultimately involvessprinting through a corn field and running from fake U.S. border patrol agents dressed in camo. Tourists climb mountains, balance on ledges with steep drops, drag themselves through ankle-deep mud and try to sneak their way across the "border" while fake gun fire rattles in the background. The only downside I can see is that the "tour" has been criticized as training for illegal immigrants. In case the U.S. ever attacks Mexico because of this breeding ground for potential terrorists, I'd rather not be there. Instead, maybe I'll spend my Beach Week in a country the United States is not likely to pay attention to: Amsterdam.
De Chocolade Fabriek, though currently still under construction, is any child or chocolate lover's dream. The park, based on Roald Dahl's book "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," is primarily underground in an unused railway tunnel. There's a glass elevator, a chocolate fountain and a chocolate production facility. Delicious.
If all else fails, I can return to the country of my people for a Bruce Lee theme park. The best part? According to British newspapers, "the park will be patrolled by Bruce Lee 'mannequin robots,' radio-controlled from within a giant statue of the late star." Rumor has it there is also a roller coaster with a soundtrack of Bruce Lee grunts and kung fu sounds. Whether it be that or the chants of Oompa Loompas or the communist hymns of Stalin World, I'm sure my Beach Week theme park adventure will be worth much more than $115 million (or so I'm telling myself).
Winnie's column runs every Monday. She can be reached at chao@cavalierdaily.com.
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