The other day I came across the book "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kinder- garten." Seeing this title got me thinking about what I know and where I learned it. The short answers are "not much" and "nowhere in particular." The more I thought about it, however, one particular base of knowledge and its origin became very clear -- everything I know about women I learned from commercials. Right now you may be asking yourself if I'm serious. To that I say serious enough so you should feel bad for me. Without further ado, here are the three unwavering truths about women that I have learned through many years of TV addiction.
Lesson One: If you see a group of women out in a social situation, they are talking about birth control.
The scene is always the same. A group of attractive 30-something women are sitting on a couch at a house party or at a table in a bar. They're talking, laughing and having an all-around good time. It would be completely understandable for a man to evaluate the situation and decide this might be an audience receptive to his conversation. What this poor fool doesn't realize is there is a 99.7 percent chance these women are discussing the newest birth control method. Sorry buddy, unless you happen to be on birth control, you can take your chatter elsewhere. If you are on birth control, they won't want to talk to you anyway because that would make you a weirdo.
Lesson Two: Women love shampoo. They really love shampoo.
As a hygienic person, I've taken many a shower in my day. I like shampoo -- it cleans my hair, smells good and lathery things are always fine by me. Shampoo and I have always had a very businesslike relationship. No fuss, nothing personal. I buy it, it does what I bought it to do and we're both happy with that. When it comes to women, however, things are a little different. If you have ever seen an Herbal Essences commercial, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I won't get too detailed, but I can say women have a vastly different -- shall we say more intimate -- relationship with shampoo than I ever have. I've never been in one of those adult stores, but I imagine the women's section is just a giant shampoo aisle. I guess there's some gene women have that turns rubbing a soapy product on your scalp into an erotic experience.
Lesson Three: Women have a system of measurement far beyond the comprehension of any man.
We've all heard of the metric system and whatever the heck the American measurement system is called, but we have not heard of the revolutionary system of measurements women seem to have developed. So many times I have heard a claim that a product will make your [insert whatever body part applies -- it doesn't matter] five times smoother, three times shinier, more touchable, etc. My futile man-brain can comprehend each of these concepts. For example, if I touch sandpaper, then silk, I can tell which is smoother. How much smoother is the silk? This is where things get messy. Is it three times smoother? Maybe it's a hundred times smoother. I have absolutely no idea. Where is this "smooth-ometer" technology women seem to have invented? Where is this machine that gives you a measurement of something's smoothness? I want answers.
It's the same deal with shininess. Metal is totally shinier than a piece of plastic, but six, seven, 700 times shinier? Heck if I know. You'll have to find a woman to answer that question. Don't even get me started on these "touchable," "huggable" and "squeezable" measurements they've come up with. How do you make something more touchable? Touchability isn't a scale -- it's a yes or no measurement. Can you touch it? Bam, it's touchable. Can't touch it? Not touchable. Don't tell me something is more or less touchable after having lotion rubbed on it. I could touch it before, and I can still touch it. You've done nothing.
Well, that is all I have to teach you for today. I certainly hope my vast, in-depth and completely factual lessons were helpful.
Eric's column runs biweekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at ast@cavalierdaily.com.
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