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Bidding for the soul

Can a public auction ever be considered a sport? What defines a sport is a common argument in the world of athletics, as new sport-hobby hybrids emerge in pop culture and push the envelope on the definition of the term "sport."

This debate roared in the mid-90s when NASCAR exploded in popularity in America and everyone started to wonder if auto-racing was an actual sport. This sent sports pundits, who argued about the athletic ability needed to drive a stock car in a circle for four hours, into a frenzy.

The debate pushed further. What about cheerleading? Bowling? Drum Corps?

Personally, I've always used the ESPN rule to determine what I consider a sport. If ESPN will cover it, it's a sport.

Despite ESPN's recent explosion of NASCAR coverage and Danica Patrick's immediate stardom, the auto-racing debate has been settled for some time. It's a sport.

But if you follow my ESPN rule, then you've got to allow cheerleading. And why not? I love watching them as much as any wrestling match. College cheerleading is commonly found on the Deuce and, if I'm going to allow anything on ESPN, ESPN 2 has to be given equal credit.

My system allows bowling, fishing, and other hybrids ESPN has always covered.

But my system has slowly begun to fail me.

In the last five years, the World Series of Poker has become one of the biggest sensations to hit ESPN in recent history. With shows like "Cold Pizza" and "Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith," ESPN has discovered that instead of saying the same thing over and over again, it's more profitable to find something new to sell. And for whatever reason, poker works. Personally, I can't stand it. But it makes sense. Colorful characters, drama and the chance of scoring thousands of dollars.

It's exactly what TV is made of in the 21st century.

I didn't like having to accept this as a sport, but I acquiesced. Poker takes talent, skill and requires the slightest bit of physical exertion.

But, this time, ESPN, you've gone too far.

Waking up late Saturday morning, before getting out of bed, I naturally grabbed the remote and turned on the television. After skimming through old episodes of "Boy Meets World," I landed on "The Bidding Wars" on ESPN 2.

In this high stakes game, people attend auctions to buy semi-impressive cars. This time up was the original 1985 Ford LTD from the movie "Men in Black," complete with a "Men in Black" logo on the car door.

In addition, the "Cadirock" Cadillac from the Flinstones in "Viva Rock Vegas" made it to the auction floor.

The show features the buyers, the sellers and auction officials as a product is brought out for bidding until two contenders fight for the prize and some rich, old guy is driving home in the "Cadirock."

"The Bidding Wars," part of ESPN 2 Garage, which also features shows such as "Funkmaster Flex's Car Wars," "Hot Rod Television," "Metric Revolution," "P.I.P.E.S" and "Stacey David's GearZ," is designed to complement the NASCAR and Indy Car racing already on ESPN.

And this is where the line should be drawn. ESPN should only cover events that directly deal with sports. Auto-racing is one thing. Talking about the cars in auto-races (though a little boring) is perfectly acceptable.

But in what way does the auctioning of the "Cadirock" deserve coverage from a sports network?

ESPN, you've reached a new low.

I'm not expecting much from ESPN 2 on a Saturday at 11:30 a.m.. But there's a reason why Sports Center is shown 10 times in the late night and morning -- it's better than anything else worth running.

When ESPN 2 debuted in 1993, it was designed to be an edgier form of the original ESPN. That format never worked, and in 2001, the channel became devoted to overflow sports coverage from ESPN. And that overflow tends to greatly expand the material worthy of sports coverage.

For now, I think ESPN 2 should stick with replays of golf and "Mike and Mike in the Morning." The Deuce still has an important role for ESPN, covering the World Baseball Classic or college basketball. If that means overflow is defined as "more of the same," then so be it.

ESPN 2 is never going to be as profitable as ESPN would like it to be. But, please, have some self-respect.

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