There are some things that a University student is just supposed to do before he or she graduates. Taking a class with a certain professor, streaking the Lawn and all sorts of other rites and rituals come to mind, and no two people have quite the same list. There's one, however, that often gets touted around Grounds but is a good deal harder to do than most of the other student traditions here at the University: starting a CIO.
Lately, though, I'm feeling the pressure to do just that. It's not that I have any spare time, because I don't, but that's no excuse. After all, none of us have free time! At this school, the closest you get to "free time" are the split seconds your mind gets to wander while you're yawning.
Regardless, starting a CIO is an important part of student self-governance. Which means that if I don't do it, the terrorists win. So I hit the drawing board and came up with some concepts.
First, the "Tour Sabotaging Troupe." It's that time of year when wave after wave of prospective students descend upon the University to see the lay of the land. The focal point of this experience is, of course, the Grounds tour. Now, of course we want these students to come to the University because we like it here. But the sight of all those tour groups maneuvering around Grounds tends to embolden many tricksters among us to be disruptive in some way.
This usually takes the form of a shout-out to the student leading the tour or some sort of comment intended to be overheard by the parents, along the lines of "Did you hear about those murders the other night?" But these activities are generally counterproductive. That mischievous energy can be channeled more positively. My idea: flash mobs that congregate and break into spontaneous dance.
Streaking tour groups might seem like a more tempting alternative, but it would counter the positive atmosphere we want to create here -- not to mention it would be downright obscene given the likelihood that young children are in attendance. Flash mobs are the more prudent choice. Sorry, exhibitionists.
It would be a piece of cake to set up these surprise performances at various places along the route. If you get enough people in this CIO, everybody can take shifts. The practice could become legendary and part of University lore. Visitors would go away disappointed if they didn't get flash-mobbed. This is a great idea. Seriously.
Second, the "Collar Unpoppers." This isn't meant to comment on how people should wear their shirts, just an acknowledgement that the particular practice of popping provides another opportunity for fun and havoc. The concept couldn't be simpler: Ambush the victim and undo the pop in one sweeping motion, and then get the heck out of Dodge before you get the stuffing beat out of you. It's kind of like the age-old tradition of "pantsing" people, but more benign. To avoid any hint of discrimination, we could also create a counterpart squad that would pop the unpopped.
Third, the "Coalition for Freer Hallways." This is a familiar phenomenon around the University because everybody does it: One friend bumps into another and the two haven't spoken in a while, so they strike up their conversation right then and there in the middle of the sidewalk/hallway/corridor/I can't think of any more synonyms here. Like many things in life, this is harmless when it happens in moderation, but the accumulation of many instances creates a problem. Before you know it, our hallways resemble Dick Cheney's arteries.
So perhaps what's needed are a few teams to sweep the pathways periodically to make sure the pathways of the University are clear. They would be instructed to kindly use their words first, but in the event that didn't work, they would be equipped with hockey sticks. Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. Just check out Newcomb during peak hours -- the masses need their waffle fries! It's essential to keep those paths open.
Unfortunately, it's not likely that any of these CIOs, despite their noble and well-crafted missions, will ever see the light of day. There's no way 20 self-respecting people would sign a petition endorsing such activities. Still, it's worth a shot. Ever since childhood, I've missed pantsing people.
Matt's column runs biweekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at mwaring@cavalierdaily.com.
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