Earlier this week, thanks to the wonders of DNA testing, Larry Birkhead was proven to be the true father of Anna Nicole's baby. After announcing the results of the DNA test to a crowd of reporters and "supporters," good ole Larry raised his arms in the air and said, "I told you so." What a classy guy. If I just found out I was the parent of a million-dollar baby, my response might have been a little classier. Never mind that I'm now romantically linked to the poster child for why people should never mix alcohol and prescription drugs.
In general, though, Larry Birkhead's in-your-face statement made me reconsider parenthood. Initially turned off by the very thought of motherhood, thanks in part to the "family life education" video I watched in ninth grade, I started to wonder. When the video abruptly cut from the shot of a growing fetus to a head-on shot (well... there was part of a head in the shot) of a woman giving birth, a classmate of mine referred to the noises as similar to those of a dying whale.
But I started to wonder, indeed. Maybe Mother Nature selectively inclined women to wail like that during childbirth. Perhaps their howls and squalls were necessary in scaring away predators. What if that was my destiny? Many a teacher has written home to compliment my parents on the "healthy volume" of my voice. Perhaps that, along with my gigantic, disproportionately large head, was my genetic superiority? Larry Birkhead, you have opened my eyes to an entire new realm of possibility.
Clearly, Mother Nature equipped me to be an ideal birth-er, but could I be an equally gifted nurturer? The first step after popping a baby out is naming it. Anna Nicole inspired me with her choices: Daniel and Dannielynn. Clever -- and I'm sure a result of mixing that alcohol and that codeine. For my own children, I've brilliantly conceived rhyming names. Fergalicious Unnutritious and Danimal Instantmanimal. Of course, they'll have cute nicknames based on their initials: F.U.C. and D.I.C.
I will concede to the critics, however, that clever names are not a sure predictor of a gifted nurturer. After all, there have been many famously clever baby names: Moxie Crimefighter (father is Penn Jillette of Penn and Teller fame), Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson), Tito Joe (Tito Jackson), and Prince Michael (Michael Jackson).
If Michael Jackson's brothers are anything like him, holding a baby over a balcony is not a good nurturing skill. I'm pretty sure their babies need more than clever names to survive childhood. To truly be a good nurturer, I need to name my kids something amazing (check) and I need to teach them some unbeatable skills.
My parents taught me a lot of skills as I was growing up. How to bathe myself and dress myself. How to eat eight hot dogs so my sisters couldn't get any. Those are the skills that have driven me to succeed in life, but I want more for my children. You know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills. It would be even better if my children were genetically predispositioned to be skilled. Like a liger, bred for its skills in magic. Except I don't want my kids to have magic skills and end up a freak like that Harry Potter. I want my children to be able to throw ninja stars, to write haikus upon request and to be able to dance like Justin Timberlake, post-*NSYNC. Hopefully, long after I am gone, the skills I teach F.U.C. and D.I.C. will become part of my amazing parent legacy. Not only am I genetically superior birth-er, but I'm also a pretty talented nurturer.
There's probably more to being an acceptable parent than coming up with a clever name and teaching a baby fighting skills, but I've yet to find a celebrity success story to which I should aspire. Madonna kidnapped a baby and Brangelina is playing a human Pokemon game of "gotta catch 'em all." All the babies of the world, that is. Come to think of it, maybe I was a little too hasty judging Larry Birkhead because if my children end up genetically superior, I can only say one thing: I told you so.
Winnie's column runs every week on Thursday. She can be reached at winni@cavalierdaily.com
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