If you're like me, you're probably extremely concerned about your level of personal safety in Charlottesville. The local crime rate is astounding (never mind the University Bookstore, where thousands of students are robbed every day). I'm talking about real, serious threats to your wellbeing, like having a vending machine tip over and crush your thorax or the persistent possibility of a professor pulling a knife on you in a dark, deserted alley. This last scenario I've only witnessed once, and luckily it turned out to be a watch, not a knife. And it wasn't an alley, but a crowded, brightly lit lecture room. Still though, close call.
It sure is intimidating being a student in this mega-metropolis, what with all the riffraff encroaching on our territory. But by following a handful of safety precautions, cautions, and post-cautions, you can dramatically reduce your risk of being victimized by the hordes of delinquents who make up one-fifth of the county population, according to the 2005 census.
First of all, when deciding where to live for each new academic year, research the up-to-date crime statistics to inform your decision. Many dangers can be avoided simply by living away from the incident-prone areas, namely JPA, Lambeth, Rugby Road, the Corner, Ivy Road, the Downtown district, University Heights, Stadium Road, Maupin and Webb Dorms, First through Fifteenth Streets, Lewis Mountain Road, North Grounds, Central Grounds, South Central Grounds, Monticello and "Shady" Grady (the whole street, not just the eponymous liquor store). Additional crime-ridden on-Grounds locations include [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], [redacted] and, of course, [redacted] -- definitely steer clear of [redacted].
Other than that, you're basically free to shop around! Personally, I think a great choice for maximizing one's sense of security is an apartment on Brandon Avenue or anywhere else in the vicinity of the University Hospital. I advise this not because being situated there affords you the comfort of being able to roll your mangled body to the ER in the event of an attack; on the contrary, the neighborhood is safe because criminals voluntarily keep their distance, terrified by stories of the frequent malpractice that goes on at Student Health.
The next step is to never, ever use the bus lines. The problem is having to wait the necessary 25 minutes at one of those godforsaken bus stops. Consider the stop across from O-Hill. It's tucked away by some heavy brush, has barely any lights around it, and is a prime target for desperate experimenters from the psychology labs in Gilmer to snatch unsuspecting test subjects. That spot is so sketchy it may as well have a chalk dispenser for when crime scene investigators are outlining bodies. It would be rather convenient.
You cannot even totally rely on the blue light phones to keep you safe on your way home from the library at 2 a.m. With an average response time of three to five business days, this emergency system is just as likely to protect you against ultraviolet rays as it is against muggers. So if you're still wondering how to make it home safe in the late-night studying scenario, the easiest solution is just never to go to the library in the first place. Seriously, you never get any work done there, anyway. Just stay home, relax and keep a baseball bat next to you at all times.
Disaster can be lurking in very unexpected places. For example, you know the chairs in first-year and upperclass dorm rooms? Someone at U.Va. Housing, back in the '80s, decided it would be a nice little touch for residents to have two options for uncomfortable sitting positions: straight-backed and semi-reclined. The "easy does 'er" setting on these chairs, accomplished by some state-of-the-art uneven carpentry, has claimed the lives of at least four students who got overzealous with their rocking to-and-fro. Attention people who live on Grounds: The next time you lean back ever so gently to reach the door to your mini fridge, take a gander down at the cold, hard linoleum staring you in the face. Then imagine a chalk outline of your body on that surface. Changes your perspective, don't it?
The above tips represent only a small portion of the knowledge you'll need to survive the many perils the U.Va. student must confront. Ponder what else you may need to do to make it to graduation. And remember, whatever you do, no matter what, do not, under any circumstances, put your [redacted] in the [redacted].
Dan's column runs on Wednesdays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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