I had a pet fish once. He was grumpy and boring. He swam around his bowl all day, probably reciting Plato or Aristotle to himself. So one day, when I was fed up with his moping and depressing antics, I flushed the fish down the toilet. Though some might want to call PETA, I believed I was doing the fish a favor by releasing him from the endless laps around the bowl, accompanied only by a small plant and his own thoughts.
I imagined the fish making his way through mazes of pipes and entering open waters where he could discuss his philosophical ideas and maybe even meet a girl fish. Then my imagination got the better of me, and I became convinced that my former pet had instead mutated into a grotesque monster fish, the lord of the septic system, where he waits, hungry for revenge, in the toilet in which I flushed him. Needless to say, I now avoid the throne where I once so kindly hoped to give him his freedom.
Living a bland and mediocre existence in his fish bowl would probably have been preferable to the mutation -- and likely death -- that his freedom cost. This is just one example of how a compromise can be the right course. Take pleather, for instance. You can look cool like James Dean without killing a deer.
The mullet, a compromise between long and short hair, helps define our rural populations. The mullet is for those men and women who want the practicality of short hair but also the glamour of long hair. It is for those people who were cool in the 80s but are not so cool now. The mullet is the grandest of all compromises, and a smile brightens my features every time I see one in an unexpected place such as a restaurant or hotel.
Sometimes compromises are practical but not cool. Take, for instance, those glasses that turn into sunglasses when you go out in the sun. Often the wearer gets stuck in an awkward situation where the lenses are fading to adjust to the light but aren't quite there. Yet, they are a pretty cool invention and save you from buying a pair of prescription sunglasses or, in the worst case scenario, clip-on sunglasses.
Sporks are also pretty cool. They are a great invention if only because the name is so fun to say. Also, I bet KFC saved millions manufacturing one piece of plasticware instead of two.
Brunch is a great compromise because you can eat twice as much as you normally would, making the excuse that you need to eat for both meals. Brunch also makes you feel less guilty about waking up late. Have you noticed how late sleepers will eat at 1 p.m. and still call it brunch?
Mermaids are a compromise of sorts. They are half-person and half-fish. I believe that when they (and by "they" I mean whoever makes the decisions to create mythical creatures) were deciding to split bodies into two different species, they made the right choice. "The Little Mermaid" would not have been the movie we knew and loved as children if Ariel were split differently. Eric never would have fallen in love with a woman with a fish head and human legs. The film would be more suitable for watching on Halloween as teenagers.
Moral of the story: Don't underestimate the power of compromise. If I had respected my fish's decision to live between the two extremes of death and freedom, he might still be with us today, and I might not have to avoid using my second-floor bathroom.
Maggie's column run biweekly Fridays. She can be reached at jones@cavalierdaily.com.
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