When I arrive at the gym, heads immediately turn. Maybe it's the fact that I always sport my custom-fitted Manotard, which is like a leotard, but without all that excess fabric, and is designed especially for men. (Note: the Manotard is patent pending, as is the slogan "Thong enough for a man, but made for a MAN." Well OK, they're not actually patent pending, but my lawyer has assured me that no one would ever even think of stealing those ideas. I assume he meant they would be deterred by my giant, brawny stature.)
Or maybe it's not my "flex casual" attire that draws everyone's attention. Maybe it's my one-armed push-ups or my no-armed pull-ups that impress. Maybe it's the fact that my sweat contains three times more carbohydrates than a can of Red Bull, according to recent clinical studies. Maybe it's because I can run a 5K in less time than it takes the average person to run just a few puny miles. (Kilometers are longer, right?)
Whatever it is that stands out about me, I seem to get special treatment everywhere I go. I don't like to brag, but the AFC staff has been letting me in to the gym free of charge ever since my very first visit there. Once I get inside, crowds start to gather to watch me perform my trademark no-armed sit-ups.
What can I say other than "you're welcome"? I am a magnificent human specimen. I am so in shape it is practically unhealthy. In fact, my doctor told me if I didn't stop pumping iron my heart would explode. That's when I started pumping titanium and developed a new exercise called "heart crunches" to strengthen and tone my cardiac chambers.
My body is so dense it often disrupts cellular phone service, and when I go to the beach my gravitational pull causes the tides to shift. My calf was on the cover of Men's Fitness magazine (they didn't have a camera lens big enough to photograph my entire body). I had to claim my forearms as dependents on my last tax return.
Other gym-goers always ask me what my secret is. I have to tell them that other than maintaining a healthful diet and a strict exercise regimen, there is no secret to looking the way I do -- unless, of course, you consider ingesting 450 grams of the equine anabolic steroid boldenone undecylenate every day a secret.
Then my admirers proceed to ask me more profound and thought-provoking questions. "What do you do in between sets?" they'll ask. "Other sets," I'll reply. "How many reps should I be doing per set?" they'll inquire. "Do as many as you can until all your muscle groups give out and you physically cannot do any more reps. Then keep going until you've doubled that number of reps," I'll grunt syllabically as I perform squat thrusts.
"How many babies do you eat for breakfast?" "None. Babies are exceptionally high in trans fatty acids relative to their overall nutritional value. I would much rather eat a lean child between the ages of four and 10, which is when the most muscular development takes place. Unfortunately, this is not permitted under current U.S. law, so I usually just have a bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal with some desoxymethyltestosterone sprinkled on top and a glass of my own sweat from the previous day's workout."
Thomas Jefferson advocated that two hours of each day be dedicated to exercise. I call that a pre-warm-up. Look, I respect T.J. and everything, but I'll bet the man never targeted an oblique in his whole life. Do you know what constituted exercise back then? Walking briskly. That's worthless. Jefferson probably burned most of his calories yelling at his cooks.
What I'm saying is that times have changed, and if you want to be hugenormous, you've got to think hugenormous. Remember these inspirational tips: Every day you should be able to say that your present self could beat up yourself from the day before. Also, doing butt clenches during lecture classes is essential if you want to keep your glutes guessing, which you should. Hell, my glutes are completely dumbfounded on a continual basis.
Another good addition to your workout routine is the elliptical press. While the traditional use of elliptical machines yields about as much benefit as a brisk walk home from the gym, they turn out to be a good weight for lifting over your head. Plus, the person exercising on it will usually be too engrossed in her Gwen Stefani "jams" to realize what's happening. Lastly, I advise you to get yourself a nice Manotard -- available now in pink, hot pink and unnecessarily pink.
Dan's column runs weekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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