All of a sudden, everybody's all up in arms about global warming. Just a couple years ago, it wasn't uncommon to see corporations get together for a "plunder-the-Earth-off." Now they all want to "go green." The dining halls are trying to get off Styrofoam. Heck, Al Gore just won a Nobel Peace Prize! I love the man, but if you had told me five years ago that Al Gore would some day be receiving a Nobel Peace Prize, I would have said, "For what? Putting all the militants of the world to sleep?"
So maybe there is something to this global warming scare. Or as its critics call it, "climate change." There's a euphemism for you. These are probably the same people who would call an earthquake an "Earth-movement-issue," or Britney Spears a "good singer." But whoever they are, they're clearly not worried. What exactly are we freaking out about?
Well, as I understand it, carbon dioxide, emitted by cars, factories and Rush Limbaugh, has been accumulating in the atmosphere for years, and there's now so much of it that it holds in more heat. The average temperature of the Earth is continuing to rise, which portends horrible things for all mankind (are we sure it isn't just more people using their George Foreman grills than ever before?).
The first problem this is causing is that the polar ice caps are melting, raising sea levels all over the world. This seems like a silly thing to get all worked up about. Most of the first graders I know are smart enough to know that if you leave ice out long enough, it's going to melt. Now, the ice caps have had a nice run of several million years without anything serious happening to them. But whoever dropped them up there had to anticipate this happening at some point.
Plus, this could end up being an especially good thing here at the University. Charlottesville is a heck of a town, but I've always thought it could be improved with a little beachfront property. Think about the view you'd get from the South Lawn then! Sushi would be fresher and there would always be a bracing sea breeze. Professors would especially enjoy this new state of affairs. No one would ever miss class around Spring Break because there'd be no reason to leave town!
Another one of the potential effects of global warming is a decrease in how much food we can produce. Now I admit that this is something that could get quite serious; however, I'm optimistic about this problem. You can already walk into any grocery store in America and buy apples the size of a human skull. Clearly, our toxic fertilizers are doing the job well! I'm not worried about our agricultural industry being able to keep up with fertility issues.
The last big worry of global warming is that it might lead to more frequent hurricanes. Well, that is a problem. But we can take solace in the fact that this will also mean the more frequent use of hurricane names. Think of all the unfortunate children out there with names like Zobonda or Yregory who are developing inferiority complexes by the day because the establishment doesn't name a hurricane after them. I'm also hoping that after we run through all the reasonable "X" names, we'll have "Hurricane Professor X." I'd like to see a news anchor keep a straight face while saying that.
Nevertheless, I'm willing to concede that we should probably do something about this phenomenon. After all, sooner or later it'll be 150 degrees in Old Dorms on Move-In Day, and we can't afford for all our dads to have heart attacks at once. Clearly, we need to start limiting our emission of greenhouse gases. A good place to start would be banning refried beans from the dining hall. We might also need to reconsider our attachment to Hummers. They certainly are an enjoyable means of transport, yet one can't help but wonder how many American families really expect to get pinned down in a withering crossfire on their way to the soccer field.
At any rate, global warming, or at least discourse about it, is here to stay. Hopefully we'll be able to discern all the appropriate facts and be ready to make the best judgment we can. I have faith in our species. But if we ever get to Professor X, I'm moving to Mars.
Matt's column runs biweekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at waring@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | 4 days agoWhether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | 6 days agoWhat the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
