When you're a fourth-year, they give you this shiny poster with a list of the top things to do before graduation. This year's list has 108 things. I think the "08" part is supposed to match our class year, 2008. Or maybe after locking in their font size, 108 was the number of things they could fit on an 11-by-17-inch poster. Or maybe they were going for an even 100 and then IHOP slipped them some cash -- that would explain why seven of the things to do are "Go to IHOP on a" followed by a day of the week, and why thing to do number 108 is "Screw Waffle House, IHOP is seriously way better," and why the back of the poster reveals that the list was printed on a recycled place mat from IHOP.
When I look at the poster, it makes me reflect. Yes, it is that shiny. But seriously, I start to ponder life and ask myself, "What exactly have you been doing with your time at U.Va.?" That, by the way, is the very same question my parents ask me when they look at my transcript, but when I ask it, there's far less anger and resentment in my internal voice.
A few weeks ago, I became obsessed with the list. When I realized there were so many things I hadn't experienced and time is running out, I became wistful. But then I was overcome with joy to discover that thing number 73 was "Be wistful," and I happily checked it off.
But that didn't change the fact that I was quite wistful, full of wist in fact. Out of 108 things, I had accomplished a paltry 11, and eight of those were IHOP-related. I went to a buddy of mine and said, "Hey buddy, do you ever think about what college would have been like if you had done things differently?"
My buddy responded, "I don't know, buddy, I'm still in high school."
Oh yeah, I should have mentioned that most of my buddies are still in high school and thus haven't had a chance yet to throw their college lives away. The fact that this particular buddy of mine had already done more things on the list than I had was salt in my wound, especially since he is one of those bubble boys. Alas, if only "Visit your bubble buddy" were on the list.
As I was leaving my buddy's place, a voice went off in my head that said, "You know what? There's still plenty of time left. You can do more things!" The other voices in my head began to chime in:
"Yeah, things! You can do them!"
"Alright, things! I love doing things occasionally!"
"THIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!"
"Hey, everyone, sorry to interrupt, but did we leave the iron on next to the bubble boy? Because it definitely smells like burning plastic."
That was a dark day, but it also sent me on a mission. I began frantically completing the tasks on the list. To accelerate the process, I combined many of the tasks. I rode the rickshaw to Carter Mountain to pick apples -- the rickshaw guy was totally pissed, but it was worth it. Then I made a road trip to Shady Grady and tasted their wines -- that was three more down, and I was well on my way to conquering the list.
Then things got difficult. Some of the things were not well-defined on the list. For example, if you whisper a secret at the Whispering Wall, but no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? My answer would be that yes, it does make a sound, but that it also means you're probably a friendless alcoholic. Not wanting to admit to that, I decided not to cross off that particular task.
I was also frustrated by the impossibility of some of the tasks. "Co-star in a movie with Vince Vaughn" is no good because we don't start shooting until next summer. "Transfer to another college for a year" would require not only time travel but also betraying U.Va., which seems contrary to the point of the list. And when I tried to complete number 56, "Live in a Lawn room," I was arrested for breaking and entering.
In the end, I realized enjoying your time here is not about completing any set list of tasks. And it's not about changing who you are. Sure, things could have been more interesting if I played football, for example. But then again, there's also a good chance I would have literally died after receiving my first tackle. And if I were dead, there's no way I could complete any of the tasks, other than "Donate your organs," of course. The point is, when I streak the Lawn or give blood, I do it because I want to, not because some list tells me to. And if I get arrested for doing those things at the same time, well hey -- that's living the dream.
Dan's column runs weekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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