Every three seconds somebody breaks the honor code. In fact, I broke it in the last sentence. It's only every four seconds that somebody breaks the honor code. I was lying in order to generate greater hysteria. Still, the frequency of honor violations means that millions of cases go unreported every year. Liars, cheaters and stealers roam the streets disguised as ordinary drug dealers, prostitutes and arsonists. The political leaders of this country would be appalled by our lack of integrity, as would that guy who died for our sins way back when. (I'm speaking, of course, about Professor John Davis, who was shot and killed by a student on the Lawn.)
What more can the Honor Committee do? They're expelling kids left and right, and still our school is steeped in the foul stench of dishonor. Honor's Executive Committee has itself been considering some possible remedies. Should we change the "single sanction" policy to one of "universal sanction"? That seems a tad harsh. Another possibility would be forcing every single student to join the Honor Committee. After all, Honor can't try one of its own. They're just too precious. But then again, not everyone has what it takes to serve on Honor -- for example, humble people.
I am utterly dissatisfied with these proposals. Thus I am taking matters into my own hands and hereby declare that this column will from now on be a place for honor trials rather than a place for ... whatever I've been doing up until now. I am personally going to hear all the spillover cases from Honor as well as seek out honor offenders across the University and bring them to justice. I will be adopting the traditional trial procedure. The only difference is that I will reinstitute "seriousness" in place of "non-triviality" as the third criterion for conviction, for the latter conveys slight sympathy. Here goes.
Defendant: Parking and Transportation. Act: Stealing vast sums of money from innocent students. Intent: I received one ticket on which the citation officer had written, "Thanks for helping me meet my quota. See you in hell." That's intent, baby. Seriousness: At this point I am seriously considering totaling my car just so I can put an end to the ticketing madness. Verdict: Guilty. (Chance of Appeal: Roughly the same as the chance of appealing an unjustly issued parking ticket.)
Defendant: Everyone who has a Facebook account. Act: Lying about how many friends you have. Intent: Even if it was all these random people who befriended you, you confirmed their requests. Seriousness: Exaggerating your popularity can have grave consequences. Total strangers will start to recognize your name and skip classes in order to stalk your Facebook profile. Occasionally one of your so-called "friends" will wave to you eagerly as he sees you approaching, only to be crushed because you can't remember his name or the fact that you are roommates. You are a monster. Verdict: Guilty.
Defendant: The Cavalier Daily. Act: Cheating by copying verbatim all the articles in its "Nation & World" section. Intent: Admittedly, the number of errors in a typical issue of the Cav Daily makes it unclear whether anything in the paper is printed "intentionally." Seriousness: Fortunately, no one has read the "Nation & World" section of the Cav Daily since 1840 (coincidentally, the same year John Davis was murdered). Verdict: Not guilty, pending a significant promotion and pay raise for the adjudicator (me).
Defendant: Al Groh. Act: Not switching to a nickel defense on a third and long when the opposing offense has a weak rushing game. This may not fit precisely into any of the three honor offense categories, but it's simply inexcusable. Intent: I saw him shrug on the sidelines. Does that count? Seriousness: As serious as the coach's multi-million dollar contract. Verdict: Guilty. Groh will be expelled as soon as this inexplicable winning streak ends.
Here's a preview of the honor cases on the docket for next week: O-Hill Dining Hall has been accused of forging its list of the "Top 40 Healthy Dining Room Picks," as it appears the cucumber sandwich was just a cover-up for fried chicken. Worse yet, Newcomb Dining Hall has been accused of stealing leftovers from Runk to cut down on preparation time. Also, I will retry Parking & Transportation for crimes against humanity. It's what John Davis would have wanted.
Dan's column runs weekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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