I HAVE some surprising news, dear readers. Recently, I went on safari throughout northern Africa, a journey that took me past the pyramids, down the Nile and into the seedy nightlife of Cairo. We even took a dalliance south into the Sudan. Charming place -- Darfur, I think they called it.
But the most wonderful part of our trip was a stop in Nag Hamadi in Upper Egypt. There, as you may recall, a peasant found 12 leather-bound manuscripts in 1945 that today are popularly known as the Gnostic Gospels.
It seems he missed one, though -- you see, I myself have found a 13th book! How lucky. I doubt that it's from the second century A.D. like the others, but I'm sure it has significant historical value. There are some pages missing, but thankfully, the original text is in Greek, of which I am an expert translator. Here's where it begins:
Ann 1
1For this is the true account of the life and works of Jesus of Nazareth, faithfully recorded by his disciple Ann Coulter of Fox News Channel. 2Now, Jesus was born in Bethlehem, and He grew up in Nazareth and worked as a carpenter, and all this is true. There can be no disagreement upon his life even to this point; but verily I say unto you, now at the time of his ministry are there things divergent. 3His message has been passed down corrupted for thousands of years, even to the 21st century, and it is not well. 4These lies have been propagated by His followers, the heretics Benedict and Augustine, those men Luther and Calvin, and that blasphemer John Paul II.?.
5Forsooth, Many of His followers have gotten the wrong idea about Christ's message. 6"According to liberals, the message of Jesus ... is something along the lines of 'be nice to people' ... You don't need a religion like Christianity, which is a rather large and complex endeavor, in order to flag that message. 7All you need is a moron driving around in a Volvo with a bumper sticker that says 'be nice to people.' 8Being nice to people is, in fact, one of the incidental tenets of Christianity (as opposed to other religions whose tenets are more along the lines of 'Kill everyone who doesn't smell bad and doesn't answer to the name Mohammed').
9"In fact, Jesus's distinctive message was: People are sinful and need to be redeemed, and this is your lucky day because I'm here to redeem you even though you don't deserve it, and I have to get the crap kicked out of me to do it. 10That is the reason He is called 'Christ the Redeemer' rather than 'Christ the Moron Driving Around in a Volvo With a 'Be Nice to People' Bumper Sticker on It.''"
In a later book, the most Christian Ann explains her rationale:
Ann 5
1Now I, the disciple Ann, have seen Him in a vision while vacationing on Malta, and now I know the Truth in His teachings. 2And in this dream, I saw Him up on a mountain, and when He was seated His disciples came to Him. 3Then He opened His mouth and taught them, saying:
4Blessed are the conservative in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
5Blessed are they who mourn the evolution taught to our children, for it is "bogus science" and untrue; they shall be comforted knowing its falsehood.
6Blessed are the meek who did not seek fame and the "enjoyment of their husbands' deaths" on the eleventh of September, unlike the four Jersey Girls; they shall inherit the earth.
7Blessed are those who hunger for a gay-free world and thirst for the abolition of homosexuality, for they shall be filled.
8Blessed are the merciful opponents of the New York Times, for they shall obtain mercy from Rupert Murdoch.
9Blessed are the pure in evangelical Republicanism, for they shall see God.
10Blessed are they who "invade the countries of the Arab infidels, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity," for they shall be called sons of God.
11Blessed are the Christians who are persecuted by the "imperfect" Jewry, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
12Blessed is My disciple Ann Coulter, for her tireless efforts against the Church of Liberalism will restore My kingdom on earth.
13Blessed are they who carry her columns in their newspapers, for they disseminate her love to an audience many times what she could have done with a sermon on a mount.
Of course, this is just a sampling of the book's vitriol. I made every effort to translate it properly and fill in the gaps, so those passages in quotations are the literal words found directly in the text. Those that aren't may have been a little artistic license on my part, but after all, I did discover this gospel.
We shall see how important this text becomes. The perspective certainly is different. In fact, it's a complete reversal of every other book in the New Testament. Funny.
Having said that, I think its prospects are rather dim. It's quite clear to me why this book didn't make the cut for the official Bible. Somehow, it doesn't quite fit in.
Alex Lane is a Cavalier Daily viewpoint writer. He is a first year in the College of Arts & Sciences.
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